Tits can't actually speak, we all know that, but here at the Spoof.com we managed to locate a 'Titty Psychic' who was able to communicate with Jordan/Katie's right tit through looking at a series of revealing photographs of the trash queen and drawing on her aura.
Melvin Grumblemag, of Cliffs Edge, Hastings, told us:
"A breast is a sentient being. It has its own value system, its own aspirations, its own ups and downs, and its own heartbreak."
And it turns out that Jordan's tits have been virtually fighting a civil war with each other, and the owner, for years. The owner, Jordan/Katie was never happy with her breasts, which caused them much soul searching and heartbreak. The model cum celeb has had her chest treasures pumped up, pumped down, and spat upon by several one-eyed gentlemen recently. (Allegedly)
But the real victim in this mess is the right tit of the celeb known as Jordan/Katie, as Melvin Grumblemag told us:
"The right tit feels upset and hurt, because Jordan/Katie never dated a left handed man. So while the left tit was getting squeezed and whaheyyed!! by Jordan's many suitors, the right tit was left in limbo. Unmolested. Uncared for. Apart from the odd soapy duet related sexual act. The right tit feels neglected. The right tit feels that life isn't fair."
So there you have it. What chance Peter Andre for a reconciliation when Jordan/Katie can't even agree with her own tits?
Ladbrokes are offering 10-1 on for a tearful reconciliation once the media deals are done and dusted.