Written by Gertrude Dobbs
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Monday, 4 March 2002

image for Germany : Introduce Single European Nation Now
All the dark green bits - German. A little lebensraum anyone?

Buoyed by the recent successful introduction of the single European currency, German chancellor Gerhard Schroeder has put forward controversial plans that he claims will unify Europe to levels never before seen.

"What we need is a strong nation to take the lead in such a unification process," said Schroeder. "And, as Europe's leading economy, I believe that nation should be Germany."

When asked what would be the nature of Germany's role in such a federal Europe, Herr Schroeder said: "Of course, such widespread unification will take some time. My thoughts are that first the smaller, Nordic nations of Sweden, Finland, and Norway might release their independent status and become part of the German nation, or perhaps Reich might be a better term for it. Then, we shall invade Poland. Ah, but did I say invade? Of course, I meant include Poland - my English is letting me down sometimes."

But, in mentioning England, Herr Schroeder's eyes narrowed and his tone grew more menacing. "And then it will be your turn, Tommy," he growled. "Only this time you will not stop us with your stiff upper lips and your Vera Lynn with her British spunk all spouting and spurting."

Germany's proposals have not been met with universal approval. French Premier Lionel Jospin has called upon other European states to boycott such far-reaching unification. "Already we have men onioned-up and on bicycles ready to whisk away secret agents to safe houses. Here they are sure to fall in love with dainty, French Resistance women who will be shot amid poignant music just as they are about to escape back to Blighty."

Italy has already surrendered just in case. Russia has asked for more time so it can see who is winning before picking a side.

Herr Schroeder was quick to pour scorn on such concerns. "It is nonsense to think we Germans have not learned from our past," he said, practising his goose-stepping. "We are nice people, now, and you will like us having complete control over your lives."

Tony Blair was busy kissing American bottoms and so was unavailable to comment.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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