Malaga, Spain - Once again I have been called to Spain for an exclusive interview with Penelope Cruz to discuss her knowledge on the very recent Katie Price/Peter Andre Split.
"Well it's like this ." Said Cruz with a pout "Jordan is a fat whinging cow who treats her husband like shit. I know this because he is constantly calling me up and telling me his woes. He is a lovely, sweet, kind, generous, rich, well-toned man who doesn't deserve a cow like Jordan. And you know what else? She reckons she's the bread-winner in the family - a common misconception. The truth is that Peter is the money spinner of the family. How do I know this? Because Pee Pee told."
Cruz then stopped, blushed and giggled. "Pee Pee is my pet name for Peter. He calls me Lupe."
I then probed Cruz as to what the depth of her relationship with Peter Andre really was, because it was starting to sound a bit suspicious.
"Well if you want to know the truth - Pete and I are in love. He told me that I'm way prettier than Jordan and much more of a lady. We've never actually met in person but I can feel the love every time he calls me - which is often - every Sunday at 6pm."
It was then that I realised how disillusioned our Spanish seneorita really was and that all these interviews were just a way of making money, of getting attention for herself.
I stood up and slapped her across the L'Oreal (face in Spanish), telling her she'd not get one more penny from me and I would see to personally that she would not be reason for any further celebrity break ups. I told her to watch her back in a threatening tone as I left. Then I pulled her hair really hard and flicked her with a rubber band. I said there'd be plenty more of that if she caused any more trouble in Hollywood. She fell to the floor in agony.
That'll teach you, you marriage wrecking man eating brat! I thought to myself as I boarded my Ryanair flight back to London.
Will there be anymore bean spilling with Penelope Cruz? Stay tuned to find out!