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Saturday, 18 April 2009

image for Budget 2009: Darling to cut up debts
Darling to rock parliament and save the day

Alistair Darling is set to use the Budget to slice up the national debt, slash taxes and save the UK from recession.

An early draft of the Budget speech leaked by the blog EveryOneLovesAlistair reveals taxes will be cut for all except legally defined City Fat Cats, Sir Fred Goodwin and the low paid.

Income tax for all others will fall to 15.67p and National Insurance contributions will increase by 11 per cent.

The chancellor will say: "Eighty-three per cent of people will be better off by these anti-do nothing policies."

The fiscal ejaculation will be funded by a restructuring of national debt.

One of two plans are still to be settled on - but the draft speech puts forward legislation for the UK's bad debts to be cut adrift.

"Ninety three per cent of the national debt will be packaged and left for the Isle of Wight which will be granted independence and allowed to raise its own taxes and restructure the debt over 704 years.

"The UK's debt will disappear and we can start afresh."

The Isle of Wight government will also be given Northern Rock, Lloyds Banking, Royal Bank of Scotland and Bradford.

"The city of Bradford is a major UK asset and generates millions of pounds of revenue from EU hardship grants," Mr Darling will say.

"The Isle of Wight can use this to pay the interest on its irresponsible £1.1 trillion debt."

A proposed alternative - backed by Gordon Brown - is for each UK citizen to take personal responsibility for the government debt.

Under the Number 10 plans the debt will be divided into tranches of £21,550 and presented to individuals to pay off.

Those clearing the debts can pass on their debt-free status to a named child. Those failing to clear debts could face repossession or bailiffs from whomever holds the debt.

Debts of those dying will be rolled over to a newborn child at random.

All citizens - or rather subjects of Her Majesty the Queen - will have payment plans enforced.

Immigrants living in the UK for over three years will also receive a slice of the debt and fast tracked citizenship.

A Number Ten leaked email stated: "Duty Bonds will clear UK debt, restabilise the economy and currency and clear debt in a generation. As well as pissing a great big turd on the diseased laps of Cameron and Osborne."

The author has since apologised and resigned.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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