Written by The Blunt Pencil
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Topics: Health

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

image for Severe Outbreak of Medieval Architectural Thrombosis Hits Cambridgeshire Village of Knapwell!
Delia Farnzbarnz Parish Councillor has Chronic MAT - You should see her horse poor sod!

Medical researchers at Cambridge University have published a report in this month's Lancet Magazine, highlighting the dangers of living in quaint villages in the UK.

Professor Abdulla Kallifi Bin Obama - Who is an expert in quintessential Englishness at St Bob Geldorf College said to Spoof News, "The list of symptoms is as long as your arm mate".

Indeed it seems so, listed below are the tell-tale signs of Medieval Architectural Thrombosis (MAT). Hair styles begin to resemble the Queen. Sudden urge to attach string-retaining-device to bi-focal spectacles. The temptation to wear navy blue Jersey-Knit sweaters with shirt collars turned up. The desire to own anything with Burberry Checks and the propensity to order one's kitchen utensils from Scott's of Stowe.

We visited Knapwell to see for ourselves just how many local residents were affected. Secretary of the Knapwell Parish Council, Delia Farnzbarnz welcomed us into a small office at the back of her Pot-Pourri outlet. With striking facial features resembling the Grand National winner Mon Mome, Ms Farnzbarnz was obviously in the advanced stages of MAT. She began by explained how her ancestors arrived in the village 850 years ago, I fell asleep.

By chance I bumped into a local historian who was quite familiar with the condition, "Oh yes he said cheerfully", but unfortunately failed to elaborate any further.

It seems MAT is not the only affliction found in quaint village inhabitants, Thatched Roof Syndrome has been a common complaint for many years, sufferers have been known to put fresh flowers in red public telephone boxes and severely infected victims tend to appear at least once in women's institute naked calendar shoots.

Government health watchdog "ROVER" (Research on Viral Epidemics Register) has instructed chocolate manufacturers to no-longer put pictures of quaint village scenes on their boxes of chocs for fear of spreading this disease to more urban areas.

The Minister for Rural Affairs has become the most recent victim due to the amount of time he spends in pretty villages, unfortunately he was unavailable for comment having contracted a severe skin disease from his Barbour's waxed pyjamas.

The writer of this article will be publishing a follow up feature next week highlighting the dangers of Home Secretaries falling victim to MAD COWS DISEASE!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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