Jacqui Smith's husband caught with pants down!

Home secretary, Jacqui Smith, has defended her husband's right to watch pornographic material so long as it means she gets a good night's sleep.

Home secretary, Jacqui Smith, who has only recently been defending her right to claim the ACA (Additional Costs Allowance) on her 'second' home in Redditch, has been hit with new accusations that she starred, performed and acted in an amateur pornographic movie that her husband had to rent out on pay-per-view in order to see what his wife's naked body actually looked like.

"It's been such a long time since Jacqui and I have been together because she's always living away from home in London. But needless to say I am beginning to question what I ever saw in Jacqui, besides the pepper shaker in question used in the film, of course. Knowing what I know now I would never have rented out that movie, thank God I didn't do it with my own money. I just wish I'd turned the lights on when we first conceived so that I could have seen the mess I was getting myself into before bludgeoning myself to death accordingly with a butter knife" said Mr. Timney in a press statement.

Criticisms from both the Tories and Lib Dems have been unsurprisingly muted:

Leader of the sleaze-ridden Opposition, David Cameron expressed jealously at the expense claim after he was unable to subscribe to Ms. Smith's movie due to a bad television reception. "If only Samantha could perform such acts with her nostrils" said a clearly disappointed Mr. Cameron.

Leader of the Liberal Democrats, Nick Clegg, was also pathetic with his response after recent comments made, to GQ magazine, that he has slept with 'no more than 30 women', the majority of whom he secretly filmed without their permission before blackmailing them into voting Lib Dem at the forthcoming elections. It is thought that they will make up 95% of the third party electorate.

Prime minister, Gordon Brown, has defended Ms. Smith's unusual use of expense accounts stating that she is currently doing a 'great job' as home secretary. Mr. Timney later rebutted this quote stating "I only wish she was doing such a great job in my home, there's definitely no stereotypical secretarial work involved that's for sure".

Mr. Brown was later heard joking to his aides that he was going to need a whole lot of Kleenex in order to clean up this mess before saying 'just put it on the expense account'.