Written by matwil
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Friday, 3 April 2009

image for UK civil war breaks out between Sainsbury's and Tesco
Tesco's Home Guard

War broke today in Britain, as the huge forces of Sainsbury's and Tesco clashed in battles in Sheffield and London, and skirmishes also broke out across the United Kingdom in towns and even in villages.

'We could not tolerate Tesco's threat any longer', Sainsbury's leader Mr S. Ainsbury said, 'and when it publicly claimed that every little helps, we decided to crush the evil swine once and for all!'

Tesco commander Lady Jane McHorricks countered this, saying: 'We shall fight them near the beaches, we shall fight them at the tills, we shall fight them in the high streets - we shall never surrender! All we have to offer is blood oranges, sweat control roll-on deodorants, and tears in our plastic shopping bags, all Britain is behind us!'

Many were urging Prime Minister Gordon Brown to step in and mediate between the two sides, and even for American President Barack Obama to waffle to both sides until they died of boredom, but already further clashes were happening as this article was being wrote.

Tesco's began deploying their crack Fridge V.A.N. teams across Britain, to take the war to people's homes, while Sainsbury's used their secret weapons Nectar Cards and Agent Orange and White to gain public support in the struggle.

But another British organisation, the ASDA, led by Sir George Cheapskate, refused to take sides. 'A minor conflict between two minor sets of people', Sir George said, from ASDA's giant 24-hour-manned headquarters in Hartlepool, 'and not one we will be joining. After being hired by the Americans to wipe out all opposition to us in Britain, we are only too pleased to see Tesco and Sainsbury's destroy one another. This country will benefit in the long term, if we rule the UK.'

As it seemed like the fighting was getting worse, in a surprise move at Cheapskate's statement both Tesco and Sainsbury's announced a sudden truce, and Ainsbury and McHorrocks appeared together at Luton's Lorraine Chase Airport. 'In my hand', Cheapskate announced, 'is a piece of a till receipt. This is piece in our time!', and Lady Jane added:

'And in my hand is a Tesco's Value onion, we should never have started fighting just as a recession was starting', and she bit into the onion before passing it to Mr Ainsbury. 'Yes', he said, 'Sainsbury's and Tesco are more communities and ways of life than just dull supermarkets, that have put thousands of other shops out of business across the UK.'

This truce will mean that soon every street in Britain will have either a Sainsbury's or a Tesco. Sometimes even both! The Monopolies Commission used its government telescope to review the situation, but unfortunately put it to its blind eye.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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