Written by Picanuper
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Topics: Jeremy Clarkson

Sunday, 29 March 2009

Hoodie "journalist" and "personality" Jeremy Clarkson was today revealed to be the object of misguided worship; in an exclusive interview with a Proper Journalist the anarchist Rosa Lexusbourg revealed her cult had been behind Clarkson's recent accidental incarceration in a portable toilet.

Speaking for the first time following the incident, Ms Luxembourg, considerably more manly than Mr Clarkson himself, revealed her cult's motives.

"Anarchists and indeed fascists and all right thinking extreme right thinkers and jelly brains worship Mr Clarkson and follow him everywhere. My group was secretly following him and saw him enter a toilet and lock the door, whereupon they approached, stroking and licking the ground he had trodden, and heard sounds. These were loud, rasping sounds, as those made by boy-racers when they are pretending to drive a super car and in order to enhance Mr Clarkson's pleasure members of my sect collected some spare tyres and positioned them by the toilet, aiming to set fire to them, so to add the smell of burning rubber to Mr Clarkson's engine noises. Unfortunately, the great Jeremy attempted to exit the toilet too quickly and misunderstood."

Pressed to explain more about her group's activities, Ms Lexusbourg explained that her coven sought "to shield the great man from the forces of evil communism, the EU and Lee Harvey Oswald," adding that "although he is a titan and has a granite chin" Mr Clarkson was nevertheless an innocent abroad in the world of "the outer reaches of lunatic fringe politics" and could be a target for socialistically motivated criminals like the Mafia or CIA; her members were all there to "take the bullet when the time comes"

In an unrelated development Clarkson - The Times' "bit of rough" - was revealed to be top of Hollywood's wish-list in the scramble to cast the up-coming epic "Onan The Barbie-Doll". With Clint Eastwood "too old" and Sly Stone and Charlton Heston "otherwise deceased" Clarkson was said to be "just the guy" for the job.

Mr Clarkson was unavailable for comment on either matter so we did not invite him.

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