Written by Peter Higgins
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Topics: University, Hell

Friday, 25 June 2004

A team of researchers at Cambridge's big University have long been occupied with a particularly knotty problem: just where the hell is Lowestoft? For two and a half decades now, Professor Tony Slip and his nine-strong team of dedicated staff have been engaged in a search for the exact whereabouts of the English (unless it's Welsh) town. Speaking from his hospital bed yesterday morning, Professor Slip (who is recovering from a nasty fall after tripping over a watermelon his wife left on the stairs) said, "The enigma of this town has a strange and powerful hold on us all here at the University."
The team's website (wherethehellislowestoft.com) has just been set up, and has already received thousands of visitors from around the world. It seems that everywhere there are people intrigued as to the exact whereabouts of this mysterious place. Howard Ding, author of "England's (or Wales's) Forgotten Town - the Lowestoft Strangeness" says, "Lowestoft is just one of those places that no-one knows much about, such as what it's like, who lives there, and where it is."
The Mayor of Lowestoft, Lord Ron Bigsby, told reporters recently that he was pretty certain the town was in the west of England, near Uttoxeter (wherever that is).
The town's football team, the Lowestoft Rovers, are often taunted at away matches by chants of "We have no idea/where the hell you live!" Meanwhile, Lowestoft's own town council admits it has "absolutely bugger-all" idea of where exactly Lowestoft is located: "Are we Welsh? Who knows?" asked Councillor Victoria Counsellor, scratching her head and sucking a sucky sweet. "It doesn't sound that Welsh though, does it? But then neither does Swansea..."
In the end, as Professor Slip (first mentioned at the beginning of this article, remember?) says, "Lowestoft is a place that exists as much in the mind as in the real world. It is everywhere and nowhere. I know that's not much help but I've only been working on this for twenty five years. Give me time."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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