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Monday, 2 March 2009

image for Government Introduces Retrospective Pensions Law
You want it, you can't have it.

Leader of the House of Commons Harridan Harperson has said that it is unacceptable that members of the Proletariat should have personal pensions, following the outcry over the massive payout to former RBS chairman Sir Fred Goodwin.

Speaking on the Andrew Marr show, Mzzzzz Harperson said, "it is just not right that people who aren't MPs have pensions other than the State payout. The Prime Minister has said it's not acceptable, and therefore it will not be accepted".

She added, "Proles should not count on being better of with their pension because it is not going to happen".

The Government intends to introduce laws to retrospectively strip private pension holders of their funds, with the money passing into Government ownership. All pensions will be provided by the Government at standard State Pension rates, and the new law would also render null and void any contract signed by Government since 1997, allowing Gordon Brown to ignore, or default on, any other payments he doesn't like much without fear of legal redress.

Chancellor Alistair Darling also welcomed the plan, adding that once they'd tweaked through this retrospective law, he planned to introduce an increase in the Basic Rate of income tax to 33%, retrospectively backdated to the 1998 Budget. Mr Darling said, "by doing this we can ensure that the Government's finances are returned to sufficient levels to ensure that our own copper-bottomed, gold-plated and mink-lined pension pots remain full".

Reports that the Government are to implement legislation retrospectively banning Elections and Opposition Parties were dismissed by Mzzz Harperson, who added, "we wouldn't do anything like that. Well, not this week anyway".

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