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Sunday, 25 January 2009

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Tommy Burns Night

Famous Scots all around the world today celebrated Burns Night, an evening of dwelling on everything that's good about Scotland over huge amounts of whisky, but with no ice or water in it, and eating huge amounts of sheeps' stomachs filled with oats and blood and offal. And reading poems written in some weird sort of English dialect.

Scotland's most famous son, Sean Connery, said: 'Yesh, I'm so proud of being Scottish I left the dump in the 1970s, and nothing would make be go back to the pigsty. No wonder I'm celebrating - celebrating leaving the place. Mind you, the whisky's not bad. Whose round is it?'

And former Prime Minister Tony Blair added: 'Well, um, you know, I don't sound Scottish, do I? But I, er, I was, um, born in Edinborough. I think. Cherie?' And famous footballer Lou Macari joined in the praise for his country. 'Aye, the minute I signed for United it was adios Scotland and hello England! It's the Siberian gales I miss so much, heh heh heh.'

Current Prime Minister Gordon Brown had this to say about Burns Night. 'You know, us Scots like nothing bettah than having a few drams of whisky, befaw reading the poems of the Bahd. It's jolly good fun, and makes me miss the old country - wherevah it is. Shame Buhns wrote in such a strange English dialect though, I can't understand any of it.' And failed Glasgow Rangers manager Walter Smith said: 'Burns Night? You mean Tommy Burns? Hey, every night's Burns Night in Glasgow, not just today.'

It's traditional to read poems at Burns Night suppers, for some strange reason, and here's a bit of one of them: 'All hail to ye, oh great chiefie o' the Yorkshire puddin' rice; your fit face gangs roond like timorous wee mice; nae, a man's a man unless he's a Highland prince; then its on wi' the bonny rouge, and off tae the barber's for a sleekit blue rinse.'

Robert Burns is turning in his grave.

[P.S. This is in tribute to the late Tommy Burns, a great Celtic player and good sport, and guest of honour at the annual Tommy Burns Night supper, held by Celtic fans in Edinburgh.]

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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