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Friday, 9 January 2009

image for Lincolnshire 'UFO' Wind turbine incident inquiry have bizzarely implicated Cristiano Ronaldo and Michael Winner

On Wednesday, a giant 65ft blade was ripped off a 300ft high wind turbine in Conisholme, Licolnshire.

Local residents were awoken at 4am after strange 'tentacle' shaped lights were spotted streaking towards the wind generator.

55yr old mother Dorothy Pillblows, who lives close to the wind farm, stated "The lights were moving across the sky towards the wind farm,". "Then I saw a low flying object. It was skimming across the sky towards the turbines."

In an increasingly bizzare incident, events took an and even stranger course when Dorothy found a piece of molten metal in her garden with an embossed symbolisation resembling a black horse on a yellow background. 'It was not there this morning, I tell you'.

After calling the police, the MOD was also informed and full scale inquiry was launched.

After MOD scientists carefully examined the artefact in Conisholme, a news blackout was quickly initiated on the advice of the MOD scientists and with consultation with the highest levels of goverment.

Goverment sources close to the investigation, who are extremely well positioned, informed us that worries over the potential of malevolent alien lifeforms turning the UK's governement Renewable Energy Policy (REP) into a an interstellar vendetta was held at the highest levels. The horse symbology had initially worried scientists that it was indicative of a strange alien cipher, that might be negative in its message towards renewable energy sources and might be trying to revert us back to horse and cart agri-farming.

Apparently GCHQ, CIA, NSA, and MFI were then informed of the nature of the incident, the seriousness of the days ensuing events was indicated upon President Bush's direction, that world threat levels should be increased to DEFCON 2 with immediate effect, the second highest state of world alert.

The artefact meanwhile, was taken to an undisclosed location for more exhaustive tests by goverment scientists, to look at its chemical composition and likely source. An scientist close to the lab, in which we cannot disclose the location due to a goverment injunction barring us from doing so, has spoke to us saying that 'The scientists at the heart of the tests have concluded that the artefact definately hit the turbine at high speed, possibly at around 6-700mph. The chemical makeup of the deformed metal is definately earthly in nature. It is closely linked to aluminium alloys. It also bizzarely contains traces of water, alcohol, PVP/VA copolymer's, glycerin, surfactants, tetrasodium EDTA, carbomer 940, triethanolamine, coconut oil, lanolin, and vitamin E'. Also, uncomfirmed reports from the laboratory have indicated there was also traces of Aviation fuel on the aluminium structure.

Upon our own investigations, the bizarre chemical traces found on the aluminium alloy are extremely similar to a Portuguese hair gel called 'El Greco'.

The aviation fuel initially remained a mystery. The artefact had caused the wind turbine blade to destruct by hitting the giant machine at high speed, with the trajectory of the artefact pointing skywards. The inquiry has apparently concluded that the deformed aluminium must have dropped by a low flying plane.

Meanwhile Manchester United star footballer Cristiano Ronaldo was treated for shock at Manchester United's Carrington training ground, as the player had wrote off his £100,000 Ferrari 355GTB into a tunnel hours earlier in south Manchester. Greater Manchester Police had found the incident extremely odd, as his left wheel that flew off the Ferrari at high speed could not be found. Police have concluded that the star footballer was on a mobile phone a the time of the incident, and was the likely cause of the crash.

A source very close to the police investigation has told us that Ronaldo's phone call was traced back to the eminent Film Director/newspaper columnist Michael Winner, when he smashed the Ferrari into the tunnel wall.

When Police traced Ronaldo's call back to Winner at the time of the smash, Winners location was only 2 miles away in Didsbury Manchester.

Reports from unidentfied sources, said that they saw Winner jump out of The Bloomsbury Pub in Didsbury and sped off towards towards the direction of the incident. Apparently Winner was furious after coming off his mobile phone and was apparently incensed after talking to Ronaldo, pub goer Paul said 'He was extremely angry after this phone call, once he came off his mobile, he started throwing bottles around at other pub goers and was blabbing all sorts of rubbish about a stupid Portuguese t***', 'We were extremely frightened'. Winners Bentley was then seen by other members of the public, parked in a road very close to Ronaldo's crash scene, it remained there for 15minutes and then sped off again towards Cheshire.

Winners Gulfstream IV took off from Manchester Airport 3/4hr after he was spotted near the crash scene. The Spoof have gained exclusive access to the filed flight plan, which shows that the plane destination was Oslo, Norway. It also shows that the navigation route used by Winners Jet flew directly overhead Conisholme, Licolnshire. It is not known if Winner was on the flight, but attempts to contact him from the Spoof and the Police has come to no avail.

Cryptographers working for GCHQ finally gave some conlusive options of what the the horse symbology on the artefact may be and concluded that it was either a unexplained chemical process, that happened at extremely high velocity, that produced the illlusion of a horse with a yellow background; or that it was a deformed wreck of a Ferrari wheel with the famous prancing horse on a yellow shield.

Investigators are now nearer to solving the bizzare incident and criminal charges will be thought to be ensued through the courts but they are no clearer to a motif for the episode. Ronaldo is currently been questioned by senior investigators from the goverment and Greater Manchester Police, but is moving slowly due to Ronaldo's unwillingness to speak about anything other than his hair and face.

Mr Winner has not been seen since earlier on today. Norways police forces and Interpol have been informed and large man-hunt is underway. Both Winner and Ronaldo are expected to be charged with mass subversion and criminal damage.

The Spoof has learnt that the cost of the investigation is ballooning out of control. So far, to unconfirmed reports, that the cost is expected to cost the taxpayer a stratospheric £834m. The political fallout may be far greater.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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