Written by Rusty
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Monday, 5 January 2009

image for Litterbug Video Up for Cannes Film Festival Award
Taser power: A bit of an all-round shock.

People who drop litter in a London borough, or commit unsociable acts, could be filmed by a special council team and face £80 fines or an on-the-spot rogering by their PFI-contracted squads of puffy hi-viz environmental community service snitches.

Slackney Council now employs 200 brain-dead neo-Nazi environmental enforcement sneaks, each of who is equipped with a shoulder-mounted video camera to record offenders shitting in wastebaskets or on the pavement, pissing through letterboxes or simply dropping unwanted litter. Fines will also be imposed on people not cleaning up heaps of steaming dogshit after their canine pets have downloaded yesterday's 'Woofie Chunks' intake.

Slackney Council says there is simply no excuse for not tossing litter into a bin, even if there isn't an empty one within lobbing distance.

Fiona Flitchalot Fuckwitte, spokeslag for Slackney Council's Paranoia Department, said: "We know it's only a small minority of people who drop litter deliberately to piss the council off and these are the people we want to see crucified!"

"With over a thousand bins in Slackney, there's no excuse for not using one, even if they are full and overflowing, or have homeless immigrants camping in them."

The council claims it collected nearly 172,487:065 metric tonnes of rubbish from its streets last year, at a cost of £35 million (£15 million of which was actually spent weighing and advertising the collected garbage effort, with a further £12 million getting misplaced by an Icelandic bank)

However, Slackney Council's strong-arm tactics have recently come to grief when a team of their 'Community Service' renta-plod environmental enforcement Gestapo thugs targeted Mr. Delmar McTwat, an unemployed Battersea pit bull strangler, for purportedly loitering without due care and attention as he waited for the High Street pedestrian crossing lights to change.

The six-handed squad of enforcement officers circled Mr. McTwat, pointing their asinine shoulder cams in his face and prodding him with rolled-up council loitering ordnance notices, oblivious, in classical numpty fashion, to the fact that their bully-boy tactics were being recorded not only on their own cams but also by surrounding CCTV equipment.

When one nasty piece of work from the Renta-Thug Security Agency thought it might be a good idea to give Mr. McTwat an intimidating poke in the ribs with his council-approved Taser to elicit compliant cooperation, the reaction was somewhat more than reckoned for.

In the words of passer-by Gladys Muffitch, "I woz just cumin' outa th' chippy wiv me dinner when one of th' stupid council pricks walloped th' bloke wiv a Taser in 'is ribs. Sparks all over th' effin' place then th' bloke went ballistic didn't 'e. Blood n guts every fuckin' where. Lays th' lot out: Snap, Crackle n Pop, just like th' breakfast cereal advert."

Police arrived on the scene in their usual lackadaisical fashion, well after the renta-thug squad had been loaded into ambulances and body bags. Once detectives had reviewed the CCTV footage of the incident they politely released the unconcerned Mr. McTwat with a request he didn't snuff any more plastic plods.

The following morning this self-same CCTV footage had mysteriously migrated to the global Internet, with special extended versions and Director's cuts available on YouTube.

Martial arts and boxing commentators opined it was the best unrehearsed fight footage they'd viewed since the King Kong vs Godzilla rematch.

CCTV operators RentaSpy submitted an edited copy of their multi-angled film footage recordings to the Cannes Film Festival review board where it has been placed in the top awards category for an impromptu documentary.

Classification: Extreme Violence.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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