As all knifes have been banned from the United Kingdom, criminals have now moved to the last vestige of weapons available to them - spoons and forks. Government propaganda outlets have released made up scary spun figures out of thin air in order to scare us all into handing in all forms of metal objects, whether they have pointy bits on them or not.
Now, only hands can be used to cook and eat things and DIY can only be carried out by 'registered' DIY experts who have had multiple criminal background checks and physiological examinations to make sure they wont use their drills, saws and screw drivers to go on a mad dog killing sprees in a shopping centre and main street.
Meanwhile, the government has passed further laws and bills in order to increase the use of Prozac and other psychosocial drugs to make sure that there are plenty of crazed individuals out there to make us fearful of any form of self defence - even our bare hands and teeth.
Gordon Brown and David Cameron applauded the new laws echoing the same words, 'We celebrate this great victim disarmament zone called the United Kingdom, soon only the criminals will be able to have weapons and then the blood banquet of slaughter shall truly begin!'