Written by Rusty
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Topics: Poo, Zoo, Recycling

Wednesday, 10 December 2008

image for Miracle Crap-Mangler turns Zoo Poo to Compost
"Okay, I admit it: I ate Albert, and a right tasty lad too."

A Smegmashire zoo has invested in manufacturing a recycling breakthrough £150,000 methane-fired Hotrot shit-flinging machine to turn the mountain of manure produced by its animals on a daily basis into an exotic blend of veggie patch friendly compost.

Twatcross Menagerie Park Zoo in Smegmashire has about 1,000 mammals, birds and reptiles, most of which have huge tusks and teeth, and even bigger arses, contributing to the five acre midden on a daily basis.

Most are possessed by large appetites, which, after regular dietary input, produce up 800 tonnes of waste (poo-poo) each week, depending on individual bowel temperament.

The zoo's chief crap spokeshoveller Wally Carbuncle told reporters "We got the idea from our own canteen and reverse-engineered the principle."

"Our cook, Hilda, takes decent food, puts it in the oven and it comes out tasting like shit. With our in-house design all we've done is reverse the process: we put shit into the Hotrot shit-flinger and it comes out as summat decent. High-grade compost in fact. It's that good yer can roll it up an' smoke it. Want a drag?"

The Hotrot in-vessel composting system supposedly converts waste into compost in just more than two days, including everything from half-digested holly bushes to car tyres, plastic bags to cardboard coffee cups and the occasional zoo visitor that got too close to the lion enclosure.

Zoo conservation officer Claire Python said: "We bought the food, fed it to the animals and it came out at the other end. Now we collect the shit up, compost it, grow stuff for the animals, like sprouts, turnips and cactus, which then goes back into their mouths. It's an economically-sustainable method of keeping our waste on site and profiting from it. No more smelly landfill charges either."

Ms. Python advised the press that in estimating actual shit-on-the-ground ratio finances and logistics earlier this year the staff had discovered that their herd of camel-toed Lithuanian alpacas could drop up to fourteen pallets of house bricks per week each if given uninhibited access to a sufficient supply of sand and cement. "This was a boon for the local building merchants and our self-financing scheme."

Staff said elephants were usually the biggest contributors to the process apart from last week when Chippo the Mongolian Hippo came down with a dose of the Bombay trots after eating two troughs of Beef Vindaloo and red cabbage, stalling the entire reprocessing cycle with a single evening's excretary output.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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