Written by Skoob1999
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Wednesday, 3 December 2008

image for Santa Warned By Health And Safety Executive - Christmas Expected To Drag On For Months
They're Taking The Fucking Piss He Says

The Health And Safety Executive today issued a stern warning to Santa Claus, to the effect that that he must desist from utilising unsafe practices whilst conducting his annual present delivering bonanza.

'We're not having him driving his sleigh through the night sky for starters,' an H&S Exec told us. 'That's just irresponsible and a hazard to civil aviation. So he'll just have to use the roads like everybody else. Not that we're happy about that, but we couldn't dig up any obscure by-laws forbidding reindeer driven sleighs. I suppose we'll learn to live with that.'

Do any further restrictions apply to Santa? we asked.

'Well, yes, actually.' the H&S Exec told us. 'He won't be able to go down chimneys. It's unsafe and it sets a bad example. What if he gets stuck? He'll just have to knock on the door or ring the bell, or text the occupants or something.'

We contacted Santa Claus, who told us:

'They're taking the fucking piss these people. If I've got to follow their guidelines Christmas could well still be going on until next September. What a bunch of killjoy wankers.'

The CEO of Santa Claus Lapland Inc told us that the H&S Executive would be the death of Christmas, and to prove his point he added that three thousand elves would be made redundant, and millions of children left teary eyed and disappointed, all thanks to H&S interference.

The H&S Executive were unrepentant.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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