Written by Mark Lowton
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Topics: Farting, Biscuits, bakery

Friday, 31 October 2008

image for Baker in Bother over Air Biscuits
"Phwoar. Did you mix some cheese in that batch, Barry?"

A Baker from Stoke-on-Trent is in hot water this week after giving younger customers his 'tasty air biscuits'.

Barry Baker, perhaps destined to work in the trade given his moniker, has been baking treats and delights for his local community for thirty years.

A lover of practical jokes, Barry would often tease his customers; baking fake flies in his garibaldis, garnishing his pies with rubber dog poo - Barry knew all the best wheezes. His latest trick however has landed him in a little bother.

Local children pass Barry's shop daily on their trek to school. Keen to avoid the inflated prices of school dinners, a majority pop in to buy a pie for their lunch. A special offer this week was a free 'air biscuit' with every pie.

Never one to miss out on a freebie, each successive batch of kiddies were keen to accept this rare treat.

Insisting that they should have a fresh one, Barry would lead them to his oven and make them bend over and take a big whiff. Just as they exhaled and began to take a fresh breath he would let rip his 'air biscuit' for them all to enjoy.

After a child complained to his teacher, letters were sent home to parents asking them to not send their children to the Bakery as it detracts from school profiteering in the cafeteria, and also outlining Barry's antics.

Suddenly, the flood gates opened.

In a scene akin to the aftermath of a Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross prank, half-true tales of abuse suddenly spread like wild-fire amongst hysterical mothers. Barry's shop was vandalised, his windows smashed, and those which remained were daubed with offensive slogans.

After being taken in for questioning by the police, poor old Barry decided it was time to hang up his flour-encrusted apron, and poo spattered underpants, and run like hell, as fast as he can, to live a life in hiding.

"I think I'll grow a beard," he remarked.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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