Written by Toby Maller
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Wednesday, 29 October 2008

BBC celebrities and staff have issued formal apologies to Andrew Sachs in their thousands today, after the former Fawlty Towers actor failed to complain about something the Daily Mail thought he ought to.

Amid total confusion, the elderly comedy veteran was mobbed by the nation's press on the doorstep of his home in London, and accepted salvo after salvo of sincere apologies from BBC cleaners, executives and celebrities.

'Jobless'

First to apologise was out of work former presenter Keith Chegwin, who offered to apologise on behalf of all other BBC staff individually, provided cameras were present and rolling at the whacky apologiseathon.

Shortly after, jowelly anchor Peter Sissons issued an apology exclusively live from the News 24 newsroom, while moose-jawed Natalie Kaplinsky nodded sincerely and uncontrollably in the background.

All 6 of the BBC's revered Eggheads pre-recorded an apology song for the bewildered actor, followed by a slightly nasty but crucially sincere apology from bronze-thatched ice maiden Anne Robinson.

'Dead sorry'

Later in the day, flowers arrived from the partner of the formerly alive newsreader Jill Dando, expressing what would've been her sincere apologies if she were alive enough to have been sorry about whatever it was that Mr Sachs should've been offended by.

Daily Mail readers this evening descended on a Marks and Spencer's foodmarket in south London and stoned the wife of nasally gifted Radio 2 presenter Steve Wright after he reportedly failed to apologise within the first 30 seconds of his award winning and copyrighted afternoon show.

And BBC 5 Live film critic Mark Kermode's home in Kensington was sealed off by police this evening, after he was found dead in his front garden after having earlier revealed live on air that he hadn't heard about the condemned broadcast and ensuing moral uproar.

'Slut'

Meanwhile, Sach's granddaughter, Georgina Baillie - otherwise known as 'Voluptua' in her role as a member of the Satanic Sluts dance troupe - strove to capture the genuine disgust of the nation as she gave a televised interview to The Sun in the shadow of PR dinosaur Max Clifford and called for the 2 celebs at the centre of the row - their names escape us - to be shot and killed by a shadow ministerial firing squad.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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