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Wednesday, 15 October 2008

image for Madonna Divorces Ritchie - Adopts Leona Lewis
Madonna's Oral Performance at Yankee Stadium Lifted her Pre-Divorce Spirits

London, England - Poptart Madonna and husband/director Guy Ritchie have confirmed they are to divorce. Rumour mongers in Hollywood, London and New York have speculated the celebrity marriage was on the rocks for the past several months.

According to sources close to the Queen of Pop, the split-up was caused by Madonna's insistence on adopting another black child from Africa. The couple previously adopted a son, David, from Malawi and received harsh criticism from the press and in private circles.

In an attempt to appease her husband, Madonna dropped plans to adopt a baby girl, also from Malawi, and instead plans to adopt rising pop sensation, Leona Lewis.

Christopher Ciccone, Madonna's brother, recently told BBC News that his 49 year old sister tried to save her marriage to Ritchie. "She knew Guy was opposed to adopting another black African child. So she thought adopting a mixed race London girl would go down better with him. Obviously not."

Ciccone, who is on a speaking tour promoting his new book about Madonna, has no kind words for his soon-to-be ex-brother-in-law. "He didn't like me either, and I'm not even black," scoffed Ciccone. "And as for 'RocknRolla', it's pure shite."

Madonna has remained uncharacteristically silent concerning her impending divorce. Ritchie, on the other hand, has spoken directly to the press in his defence.

"Look, she's 49 for Christ sake. I would have divorced her in a year or two anyway, so cut the crap about my being racist and anti-adoption," bellowed a defiant Ritchie.

Ritchie added, "If you want to know the truth, I was all in favour of adopting Leona Lewis. Look at how well it turned out for my fellow director Woody Allen."

Meanwhile, X Factor winner and rising super star Leona Lewis said she was saddened by the Madonna-Ritchie divorce. "When they first approached me about adopting me, I said no way. But then Simon Cowell called me and explained I'd pimped myself pretty well so far in the Biz, so why not? He saw it as a career boost and an offer I couldn't refuse."

"Then I called Sharon Osbourne and she said it was totally nuts and to tell Madonna to go f*** herself."

"So to break the tie, I called Louis Walsh, and he said that Madonna was the best boy band he ever managed and so, sure I should sign on," breathed Leona.

"And what with that disastrous performance on top of that stupid bus in the Beijing Olympics, and not getting picked to sing the new James Bond theme song, I sorta panicked and said yes," heaved Lewis. "I do get to keep my name and see my parents annually, so I guess the non-competitive clause in the adoption contract is alright."

Madonna, who just jetted back to London after performing orally in the dugout at the gala opening of the new Yankee Stadium in New York, ignored reporters at Heathrow airport.

However Yankee star, Alex Rodriguez, has reportedly bought 5,000 copies of Leona Lewis's hit single, Bleeding Love. "Don't read too much into it," he cautioned reporters. "I always try to support up and coming Hispanic talent." Rumour mongers predict a rocky road ahead.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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