Written by Mrs Kensington
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Tuesday, 26 August 2008

image for George Michael "Cocks Up" in Manchester
Firemen - Pulling off Sir Elton was "All Part of the Service"

In the latest embarrassing chapter in the saga of George Michael's dropped bollocks, the swarthy '80s popster reportedly forgot that he was supposed to be performing at his farewell concert at London's Earls Court on Sunday and had to be dragged from a group of uniformed homosexuals in Manchester by his father.

Michael, who once accidentally bid £1.45 million for John Lennon's piano while drunk, was in the city filming the video for his new single "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go Outside". Friends of the bearded icon told reporters that he was celebrating the fact that he hadn't fallen asleep in a public place for 48 hours by taking part in the world's longest nude "Oops Upside Yer Head" marathon along the length of the city's legendary Canal Street, known locally as "Anal Street" ever since Sir Cliff Richard scribbled out the C during a drunken stag party.

"Suddenly this hairy old man appeared wearing pyjamas and yelling at George to turn the music down because it was keeping him awake", an eyewitness told reporters. According to onlookers, the man then "reminded" George that he had to "get his fat gay arse down to Earls Court" and dragged him away by the ear.

"It was terrible" declared keen vinyl record collector Hank Mossiman (23), who had been sitting immediately behind the hairy superstar. "I've been trying to get stuck into George's back catalogue for years, and just when I'm about to get hold of a couple of rare items some old git jerks him off".

In a separate incident in the City, Sir Elton John was said to be "lucky to be alive" after a stunt involving him being suspended from a 19th century-style bungee, dressed as founder of the modern police force Sir Robert Peel, went terribly wrong.

In a press conference yesterday the folically-challenged best friend of the late Princess of Wales, told reporters that he was "relieved to be back on solid ground" after hanging over Chorlton Street bus station for over 36 hours. "It's a miracle I'm alive. If it hadn't been for the 40,000 gay firemen doing an acrobatic routine to the extended version of Amii Stewart's 1979 classic "Light My Fire" nearby, I'd still be there.

Sir Elton's partner of 15 years Dame David Furnish told reporters. "It was touch and go. They were trying to get him down for 12 hours without success, but they all put their weight together and eventually managed to pull him to safety".

The girly 61 year old was said to have "suffered some chafing" but was otherwise unhurt. When asked if he regretted taking part in the ambitious stunt, he declared "I've never regretted anything I've done in my life. We all knew that hanging from a bungee above Manchester might be dangerous, but the last thing I expected was to be pulled off by 40,000 firemen".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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