Written by Monkey Woods
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Sunday, 24 August 2008

image for London 2012 Will Be Quintessentially English, Says Mayor Boris Johnson
On Your Marks!

The 2012 London Olympics will be typically English, and every bit as good as the Beijing Games. So says London Mayor Boris Johnson, who also promised that the Games would not run over the £100billion budget.

Mayor Johnson said that London 2012 was going to try to 'do without the trimmings' and concentrate on more 'homely elements' that would highlight British society and characteristics.

Therefore, he said, there would be no hi-tech light show or fireworks. Instead, an organised bonfire would be staged, supervised by Ted Fawkes, a descendant of the man who tried to blow up Parliament.

No Olympic Village either, competitors being 'put up' with friendly local families. Disused tower blocks are also being considered as an option.

Existing facilities would be used, such as the River Thames for rowing, sailing, swimming and washing; parks and school fields for anything that needed grass or track.

The streets of London would be the setting for the Marathon, although a different route to the one used in the annual London Marathon has been designed. This would take in the 'Shoppers Paradise' of Oxford Street, Jermyn Street, Leicester Square, Carnaby Street (for fashion lovers!) and off towards Tottenham Court Road for furnishings.

There is also a wide selection of bars, restaurants and cafes along the route for runners who need to rest their weary legs, and have a drink and a bite to eat.

The London organisers have been, commercially, very shrewd with their planning, and have aimed to get as much cash as possible out of the pockets of 'Games tourists'.

Mayor Johnson has also set aside an extra 60billion to pay for police 'crime-removal' operations. Every criminal, deviant and chav in London and the Home Counties, will be rounded up and interned in camps for the duration of the Games.

Johnson said:

"We'll have no robbing, stealing, stabbery or murder of the tourists on my watch!"

As previously reported, Dot Cotton will light the Olympic Flame with a tab end.

The Games will sign off with a fantastic re-enactment of the English Civil War.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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