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Monday, 25 August 2008

image for Jeremy Kyle "Went Beserk" on X-Factor
Kyle - Cole "Nearly Pissed Her Pants"

It has been revealed that the twin brother of baby-faced bigot Jeremy Kyle has been standing in for the popular moralist on his daytime "trial by television" show since May, when he was admitted to celebrity health farm The Priory after a nervous breakdown at an X-factor audition in Birmingham.

In sensational scenes, to be aired next week, the gobby law abiding taxpayer is seen standing in the queue holding the number 666 dressed in a comedy Bjork swan suit, practising dance moves and singing Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful". At one point host Dermot O'Leary, who isn't half as funny as Ant and Dec, admitted that he had interviewed the feathery Kyle about his hopes of success, without realising his true identity.

"He fooled us all" he said sexily. "He was wearing a beak and had put on a strong brummy accent. No-one could have known who he really was. Mind you at one point I did suspect that it might be Noddy Holder from Slade".

Kyle, who has single-handly brought over 25,000 alcoholics, drug addicts, people on benefits, teenage single mothers and fathers who can't afford condoms to justice since the millenium, was said to behave "pretty normally apart from the scratching" until he walked before the "stern but fair" panel of judges, who began laughing hysterically as soon as they saw him.

"It was very unfortunate" production secretary Emily Harris told reporters. "Louis Walsh began to laugh without making any noise then banged his head on the table, Danni Minogue's mouth dropped open and dribble came out and Cheryl Cole had to run out to the toilet before she pissed her pants". When asked about the reaction of tyrannical billionaire pop empresario Simon Cowell (73) Harris declared "He just stared".

Head of security Colin Farrell (54) described "terrifying" scenes when Kyle, who cheated death recently when the car he was travelling in to a stock car meeting in Mansfield was driven over a ravine by a suicidal fan, began to yodel, wiggle his hips and run his hands suggestively all over his downey costume.

"Everyone fell about apart from Simon Cowell" said Farrell. "He began drumming his fingers and adjusting his crotch. We all know what that means so me and the lads nipped out for a pint before it all kicked off".

According to onlookers Cowell stood up, poked his pointed finger in Kyle's face and screamed that his performance was "tuneless, lacked rhythm and frankly embarrassing" then ordered him to stop wasting his time and leave his show immediately. Kyle then suddenly began to shake uncontrollably, stare "like Marco Pierre-White" and march around "like Hitler".

"It seemed to ruffle his feathers" Louis Walsh told reporters later. "His face went the colour of a tomato and he started screaming "Shut up. We've heard quite enough from you, you cocky piece of scum. It isn't YOUR show, it's MY show now YOU get out". Cowell replied "No it's MY show you ridiculous feathery imbecile" and called security. Kyle then, allegedly, shook his fist at Cheryl Cole and called her "a piece of skanky northern trailer trash" then jumped on Cowell and pulled off his toupee, screaming "get this tested for DNA someone".

"It was horrible." Danni Minogue declared later. "We did have our suspicions about Simon's thick hairline but underneath he's actually as bald as Ross Kemp.

Kyle was unavailable for comment yesterday but best friend Paul O'Grady told reporters, "If there's one thing Jez can't stand it's a tyrannical, hippocritical bully who gets his rocks off belittling vulnerable people on national television. I'm not worried about his mental health at all. What sane person wouldn't like to call Cheryl Cole a piece of skanky northern trailer trash?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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