A tanning parlour owner was sentenced to six week's community service today after a woman was cooked alive while using a defective sunbed.
Kostas Gormlessky, an Albanian asylum-seeker, currently residing in Stoke-on-Trent, was convicted at Stafford Assizes after pleading only partially guilty to charges under the Electrical Equipment Safety Regulations Act 1994, and the Funeral Statutes Act 1773, which requires the issuance of a death certificate before a body can be cremated.
Chevrolet Flambee, a 15-year-old housewife and mother of three, visited the newly-opened Stoke Superburn Tanning Parlour, after receiving a free offer voucher through her letterbox, in the company of neighbour Crissy McBitch.
Ms. McBitch told the Spoof's court reporter "Me an' Chevvie got these free offer thingies through the post, so we said 'Bollocks, why not an' gave it a go. It's bloody 'ard to afford tanning parlour prices on yer weekly DSS giro.
Anyways, I gets into me sunbed, naked like, an' Chevvie gets into 'er's, an' a few minutes later she starts screamin' 'er fuc*kin' 'ead off. So I jumps out an' tries to open 'er sunbed canopy but it's bleedin' jammed, then all this smoke wafts out an' she stopped sceamin'"
"By the time the fire brigade showed up an' crowbarred the sunbed open she was like a Kentucky chew an' spew fried chicken portion. Funny, she looked bleedin' 'orrible an' gross but it smelled really nice. A bit like barbecued pork scratchings"
Giving evidence for the Prosecution, Staffordshire HSE Inspector Jeremy Hazard told the court "The sunbed Ms. Flambee used was actually a commercial sized second-hand ultraviolet cygnet roaster imported from Macedonia, which Mr. Gormlessky and his staff had converted for tanning purposes. This type of equipment modification is highly unsatisfactory under current EU statutes and more suited to tanning cow hides or charcoal burning."
Gormlessky, a former jigsaw puzzle carver, settled in Stoke's Pikey Paradise Caravan Park Estate after completing his GNVQ 1 Certificate in Nuclear Waste Reprocessing at Scun*thorpe Polytechnic.
Speaking to the media after the court hearing, Biffo Flambee, husband of the deceased, told reporters "Chevvie always fronted up like an 'alf-baked slapper wiv 'er 'ot pants, bling ear-rings an' false sun tans but this is bleedin' ridiculous."