Written by Paul Bavill
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Wednesday, 19 May 2004

image for Blair: "Put Up Or Shut Up!"
Blair: Get in the Ring or Get Out of Office

Under mounting pressure and rumours of splits within the Government, Tony Blair has issued an ultimatum to feuding Labour MP's.

The question of Mr. Blair's job is to be settled once and for all in a no-holds barred King of the Mountain Style Cage Match to the death.

First contender to throw his name into the ring was "Iron Chancellor" Gordon Brown. Weighing in at 210lbs, the "Iron Man of the Exchequer" has a background of staunch socialism and extortion to add to his talents. Bookmakers are offering Mr. Brown as 11/10 favourite to be the last man standing within 3 rounds.

By 10.00am, Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott had handed his name into the Labour Whips and moved onto the weigh-in. As he passed journalists he has promised, "that Sedgefield Sap's going to get towel-whipped back to public school".

From outside the government benches, Fire Brigade's Union Leader Andy Gilchrist entered the contest with the backing of the majority of trade unions. The whips office admitted the militant rabble-rouser once he had agreed to leave the large fire axe out of the ring. Mr. Gilchrist has vowed to stop dealing out pain only when a 40% pay deal is conceded.

Former Leader of the House Robin Cook was expected to take the anti-war vote into the ring, however the Stop The War Coalition are reported to have deselected him in favour of Claire Short.

Current Odds to win and keep all their body parts:

Gordon Brown 11-10
Andy Gilchrist 9-4
Claire Short 3-1
John Prescott 10-1
Tony Blair 200-1

Contestants are being admitted until midnight on June 10th.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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