Written by Gordon Bennet
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Monday, 30 June 2008

image for Compulsory New Law Empowers that all UK Immigrants must be able to Speak Fluent English with a Brummie Accent
Immigrants at a Learn a Brummie Twang in Six Weeks Seminar

Yesterday Mr Ivor Lingo the British Government Immigration Officer announced that all Immigrants either Legal or Illegal must be able to speak fluent English with a Brummie Accent within six weeks of arrival or be compulsory deported.

Eggheads at all the leading UK Universities have advised the Government that the Queens English Language is far too difficult to learn for the majority of Immigrants.

Bearing that in mind Mr Boris Talkaloadabollox from the Language School for Funny Twangs said "there should be a special Language School set up on a site near Berminggum where all Immigrants could learn a much easier version of English known throughout the World as the Brummie Twang."

Mr Talkaloadabollox added "the vowel sounds are the key as 'oy' is used instead of 'i' so as an example a common phrase would be 'Oy kwoit loik the toil aRRoun the bison'

By the end of the course most Immigrants should be Brummie Twang fluent and able to say "Berminggum is wun uv the larges Citays in the u-nyted kingdom. It is pRRobeblay moest faymus fer the buLLRRingg und spegettee jungshun, but ittas elo-mor to offa such as the nashnel eksibishun senta."

So there you have it, it is official, anyone can learn English with a Brummie Twang but the Jock, the Scouse and the Geordie version of English is incomprehensible to 101% of the not only Immigrants but to the rest of the UK also.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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