Written by Rodd Justice
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Topics: Drugs, Health

Friday, 9 November 2001

image for License to Ill
Just a small amount'll do

There was a time when Britain just had to worry about its raging drug problem. Now, there is a new social plague on our streets, and it is people who deal and take illness purely for recreation.

Widespread drug use among the population turned drug taking into an activity about as trendy as foot painting. The straw that broke the trendy camel's back is said to be when school Headmasters started to encourage school attendance by allowing free drug use.

Hearing the Head say "it's cool to deal in school" ended the fun aspect of drugs for kids, and so they looked for a new, more socially unacceptable way to waste their young lives.

The conditions for recreational illness to catch on were in place. Already big in south-east Asia, youngsters there got addicted as young as 12, by injecting themselves with chicken flu. The dealers soon found that it was possible to take advantage of the untapped British market. Batches of the cold and hypothermia arrived here from Thailand it is believed by smugglers, hiding diseases from customs in their comedy-oversized sunglasses.

Illness use among the young population of Britain is growing rapidly. It is estimated that "clubbers" aged 18-25 are most at risk, especially from evil dealers in AIDS. Once addicted to AIDS, there is no chance of survival. Police have tried to arrest the dealers, or the "HIV Positives" as they are known on the street, but have found it difficult to identify them. One test is to nick the skin of a suspect, and if they bleed like a human, they're clear; if the bleed like a horse, then they're taken in to the station for charging.

MPs have been quick to criticise a growing "Illness Culture" that attracts young people. The success of the film "Ambulancespotting" worries them the most. The film presents a journey through the eyes of people confused between the reality of their tumours, and the illusion of their cancer-induced hallucinations. A later film, "Human Public Transport", was pretty much the same idea, but involved "towny" characters, who revelled in the trendy illness Whooping Cough.

Some people believe that the best way to cure the illness problem is by adopting a "zero-tolerance" attitude. This will involve lessons in schools on the evils of illness (the sneezing, the rashes, the death, etc), as well as arresting everyone caught with an illness. Those caught with AIDS will be given tough life sentences. Supporters say that due to the short life span of these degenerates, they won't overcrowd prisons for too long.

On the other hand, some people think that some "soft" illnesses should be decriminalised, so that police can focus their resources on the "hard" illnesses of cancer, AIDS and Hepatitis B. They also state that some soft illnesses are no more dangerous than legal illnesses such as hypochondria and gangrene. This libertarian approach will be very controversial law, though, and will probably never ever ever ever happen.

The illness debate continues.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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