Written by matwil
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Topics: War

Sunday, 8 June 2008

image for How UK fights remote control war
A wife about to drive home to watch Hollyoaks

The BBC has been given an inside look at Britain's latest weapon in the remote war fight.

Speaking from a living room in Basingstoke, reporter Jim Dim said: 'For years it was simply a matter of either a husband or wife keeping it in their hand, usually the husband, or one or the other making a grab for it at the end of programmes. But now that EURO 2008 is on, British women have invented a brand new weapon in the remote war - inviting their best friends round when a match is on.'

One husband, Alfred Gascoigne, in Sheffield, said :'I couldn't believe it! One minute the game got going and I had me beers all lined up, remote in me hand, but before I knew it the doorbell rang, and in came me wife's pal, Sharon. And there they sat, talking about babies and worse stuff, it got so bad I had to go and cut the grass - when I came back they were sitting in silence, and watching the Hollyoaks omnibus.'

And another husband, Tony Blair, said: 'It was nearly kick-off time, and I'd just opened my can of organic freetrade Nigerian lager, when Cherie turned up with Harriet Harman. Soon I couldn't watch the TV, as I was too busy explaining to Harriet my support for the death penalty for Iraqi dictators, whilst opposing the death penalty for everyone else at the same time, and I hardly noticed as Cherie took the remote and turned it over to the Discovery Channel.'

But other husbands were fighting back in the war, including John Prescott. Finishing his third fish supper at lunchtime, he said: 'I don't need remote - when wife turns over to soaps or tripe like that I just stand up and block TV with my belly, til she puts football back on.'

People aren't sure how long the remote control war will last, as even wives have a limit to the number of times they can invite friends round, but it should be decided by the end of the European championships - though it may have to go into penalties and extra time.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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