Written by Ben Macnair
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Topics: world

Sunday, 11 May 2008

image for Danny, 57, No Longer Champion of the World
Danny, oh his poaching days are behind him. We are the kings of the walk now, lad

Danny Smith, has reached the conclusion, that at the age of 57, he is no longer the Champion of the world.

Danny, the model for the hero of Roald Dahl's cuddly family story of poachers says that he never lived up to his potential, or the promises that were made.

'I am not bitter' said Danny, with a face that looked like he had come out second in a fight with a Lemon 'but I feel I was built up a bit much in my youth, if you know what I mean'

Danny, who has a successful career as a shop-keeper, despite the long Police record that was never mentioned in the book, says that his late father, an expert poacher built him up to much. 'When he said I was the Champion of the World, that was it for me. Any small child wants to hear that, particularly from a parent, but I took it at face value.

It is a long way down from that, and I took it hard. I was on Sherbet when I was 9, and I had a solid addiction to Liquorice when I was 11. I knew then that I had to stay away from drugs, and alcohol, so I became a Monk when I was 16. I stuck that till I was 22, and then went into business. Of course, being a Monk for all of that time taught me something about silence, and no-one asked about my criminal record. Well, they would not think a former Monk would have been into Scrumping Apples from Farmer Jones, but I was, I was hard man, Conker champion and everything.

Things have not turned out to bad though, I have a nice wife and three kids. We go out Poaching sometimes. I would not ever tell them that they were the Champions of the World, that way only leads to trouble, believe me, I know'

Smith's Autobiography - Danny, Champion of the Monastery is out in Hard-back tomorrow, priced at £16.99. It has not had much press attention, due to John Prescott and Cherie Blair's autobiography revealing the affairs that they had with each other.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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