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Friday, 2 May 2008

image for Chief Inspector Derek Conway character in ITV's "The Bill" in tatters
Derek Conway was due to return by novel transport means

The triumphant return from the dead of Chief Inspector Derek Conway in ITV's "The Bill" has been ruined by the political shenanigans of his political namesake, Conservative MP Derek Conway.

Viewers may remember that Inspector Conway made a spectacular exit from the series in several pieces as a result of a bomb, one of the first not to be blamed on either Al Queada or sick mental-fundalists from Dewsbury.

However, he was set to return this week, thanks to a specially written plot by Dirty Den of EastEnders, seeing a carefully reassembled Inspector (ok, we do admit his arms were glued on backwards)arrive by Tardis, kindly loaned by Dr Who, seamlessly glide back into the No 2 spot at Sun Hill.

Elizabet Chav, a resident of the fictitious Jasmin Allen Estate, which features in the programme, was said to be devastated when she spoke to us on a mobile phone her son had stolen from a pensioner he mugged outside the Post Office on Sun Hill High Street.

"I was frisked by inspector Conway on many occasions during the programme, and even had an intimate body search carried out by him in a bedroom at the Canley Hilton following dinner and a trip to the theatre one evening. He had such a delicate approach, but might have been put off by my sudden turn to religion when I was forced to shout 'God I'm coming'.

"However, I can see where the programme is coming from by changing its mind on his return to the series. It would be really difficult to expect the public to believe in a Chief Inspector named Derek Conway, when we had a Member of Parliament, also called Derek Conway, getting himself in hot water by paying various members of his family a shedload of money for doing sod all.

"My Derek Conway would never have done that. It's a great shame."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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