Written by Amateur Scribe
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Topics: Gay, Channel 4, Gok Wan

Thursday, 24 April 2008

image for Gok Wan Outed as Heterosexual
And this fellow also likes chicks

Scandal hit Channel 4 last night as camp presenter and self-professed "Makeover Queen" Gok Wan was sensationally revealed to be as straight as a die.

Wan, the presumed-to-be-gay host of hit show How to Look Good Naked, admitted at a press conference that his effete on-screen persona was little more than a crass attempt to goose the vulnerable, body-conscious women in his care.

"I hold my hands up - I'm a complete fraud," he said, leaning back in his chair and scratching himself. "I have all these desperate girls who are dying to show me their bits, and all I have to do in return is act like a Whoopsie, give them a few reassuring words and help them go shopping. It's a no-brainer"

Off-camera it seems that Wan is a far cry from the kindly agony uncle and snappy dresser beloved by women up and down the country. Indeed, sources close to the star claim that, far from being at the cutting edge of the fashion industry, he slopes around in baggy tracksuits and has a laissez-faire attitude to personal grooming.

"Gokky likes nothing better than a nice game of arrows and a few pints of Bombadier," said Wan's mate Dave from down the pub. "I remember he once ordered a Strawberry Daiquiri for research purposes, and he was nearly sick down the front of his Ben Sherman shirt. Frankly, this whole homosexual thing disgusts him, but he's prepared to wear moisturiser and squeeze into a skin-tight Pet Shop Boys t-shirt if it will give him unlimited access to the ladies changing rooms at H&M."

Despite this seemingly perfect arrangement, Wan confessed that his role in How to Look Good Naked is not always the dream assignment it's cracked up to be.

"I try to make all that tweaking and grabbing of women's fleshy bits look as functional and dispassionate as possible, but it's a bit tricky when your throat is dry and your loins are singing," he sighed.

"Occasionally I've been found out. Most women don't mind a gentleman of the other persuasion squeezing their breasts if he accompanies it with a convincing enough hair toss and a 'You know what girlfriend, you are so gorrrrgeous!' but there was this one time where it all got too much and I buried my face into a particularly ample cleavage and murmured 'mmmÂ… boobies' before limping away clutching the crotch of my skinny jeans. They had to can that epidsode."

Further damning evidence of Wan's sexuality emerged after his mother let slip that she once unearthed a well-thumbed copy of Razzle and a complete Panini football sticker album from 1989 when tidying his bedroom.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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