Written by Walt
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Topics: Food, Baby, gender

Wednesday, 23 April 2008

image for Diet Affects Baby's Gender
"Girls weigh less too."

Researchers at U. of Oxford & U. of Exeter have compiled evidence that the quality of womens' diets around the time of conception is statistically significant in determining the resulting children's gender. Well-fed females tend to bear more male children, while the "about-to-be impregnated" lady who eats foods of "lower energy" levels will birth more girls. Eating a nutritious morning meal also increases the liklihood of boy babies.

Around the world now, women are giving up breakfast & eating much less red meat in order to avoid giving birth to male offspring who invariably develop into large louts that have uncanny resemblances to their fathers. A shopkeeper, Dolores, sipping tea & munching on a large cinnamon roll at her elevenses, or morning break, pointed to her husband re-stocking shelves & asked, "Who'd want to replicate that rotter? This is my first food of the day. I'll skip breakfast until menopause to prevent that. Besides, little girls are cute."

Other teams of researchers, however, are looking into the dietary habits of the fathers to see if that may also be a factor in gender dominance. After taking into account that not all fathers are the father & sorting the rams from the cuckold goats, the scholars have discovered several correlations similar to the animal husbandry studied by veterinarians for about two centuries. Boar hogs that are fed surplus barley wort from the malting floors of breweries have always thrown more male piglets than boars swilled up with grain middlings or dairy leavings such as rennet & whey.

Refining that style of research for human studies, it became very clear that human boors who drank Guinness sired more boys than their counterparts who drank Mackeson's. Even more tantalizing was the observation that men who got their barleycorn in the form of Scotch produced far fewer offspring, overall, and more girls generally, than other imbibers--apparently because the whiskey drinkers were far more inclined to sleep it off than get it on.

Parallel research in the colonies showed that drinkers of pissy American lagers produced far more female progeny because the fizzy carbonation gives an extra zip to each spermatazoon and the earliest arrivals at the eggs seem to be far smaller & more femme. Drinkers of bourbon & Canadian whiskies seem to sire a slightly higher percentage of boy babies also, apparently because these fellows wake up in the morning & have it off with the old lady before she can get to her breakfast.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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