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Monday, 21 April 2008

image for Backfiring for Lord Mayor of London
Oh! I thought you were Dr Who and this was the Tardis

Well, with the 1st of May not far off (rumour has it that it may even be a day nearer tomorrow), the mayoral candidates for London are backfiring on all cylinders.

It seems the mayor of London's mandate (which from 1st September, for equality reasons, is being renamed a "persondate") at five an a half million people, is beaten only by the presidential elections in Portugal, Poland or France.

I personally didn't realise there was an international fight ("beaten" - come on chaps, keep up please, I don't do this for money!) involved, but do feel it's a more interesting election procedure, having been used successfully for almost 20 years by Boiling Bob Mugabe of Zimbabwe.

Boris Johnson - Conservative Party - seems to be the front runner based on his sheer inability to get the job done if elected. Hasn't really got a clue (well I tell a fib - he does actually know where London is), but let's face it, he's a jolly good egg and it gives a totally new perspective, having a gentleman in charge who lacks even the remotest clue about what is going on around him.

Ken Livingstone - Labour Party - well what can be said about our red Ken that hasn't already been in Private Eye. He does a mean correlation between journalism and concentration camp guards, except when he wants publicity. The only landlord in the country to rent out the choice GLC headquarters free to a load of bearded people in corduroy smelling of camphor. Although it must be said he is as honest and reliable as the day is sidewards.

Brian Paddick - Liberal Democrats - possibly a chap with a beard. Says "Hello Hello Hello what have we here?" a lot, which does annoy his potential constituents. Has the same surname as one of those lunchtime comedians who was on the light programme on the BBC in the sixties. Is quite sentimental and likes to take his truncheon out for the boys to play with.

Richard Barnbrook - British Nazi Party - unlike Ken, actually does a mean concentration camp guard impression - at least once a fortnight at party rallies. Sometimes wears a kilt to prove nothing is worn under it - claims all is in perfect working order.

Gerard Batten - UK Independence Party - not heard of this lot since Robert Kilroy-Silk quit because he felt "the party was going nowhere". The party has since been going to Scotland, Wales, Northern France and even Belgium, where it became the most interesting thing in Belgium (apart from, according to a lady member of the party, Eddy Merckx's thighs)

Sian Berry - Green Party - eats shoots and leaves, plus berries and other rabbit food. Quite vegetarian in outlook and expects the GLC to decamp to cardboard boxes in Camden Town to "be at one with nature" and at three with gypsies, tramps and thieves (thanks Cher).

Alan Craig - Christian Peoples Alliance and Christian Party - is actually a Jehova's Bystander, because he doesn't really like to get involved. Rather annyed that brother Daniel insists he should write to his constituents on James, or at least Basildon Bond paper.

Lindsey German - Left List - sadly, not an especially favoured candidate, as she is always accused, (wrongly, as it happens), of never attending when invited. It seems that when officials see her own and her party's name on a list, they don't realise it is a party name and assume she actually has "left list" and is thus no longer interested. Expects to poll zero votes this year, which she says will be a vast improvement on last time.

Winston McKenzie - Independent - trading on famous names which won't really get him anywhere with the generally astute, yet usually illiterate, majority of Londoners.

Matt O'Connor - English Democrats - brother of Des with an interminable number of similarly excruciating self-reproduced CD's. Only he has never received a commercial record deal, and never presented an edition of "Take your Pick". Brother in law is actually Freddie Starr, brother of Ringo.

Anyone needing their babies kissing (Conservative), taxing (Labour), losing (LibDems), filled with organic food (Greens). left on a bus (UKIP) or gently boiled in the bag (BNP) should contact their respective party representative.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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