Written by Kent Pete
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Topics: Health, Obesity

Monday, 14 April 2008

image for Lose Weight And Win A Cash Prize
Is Arsenal vs Spurs not enough incentive you fat bastard ?.

Overweight people could soon be paid to drop the pounds under a new government drive to reduce the obesity epidemic in the UK.

Financial rewards are among the many suggestions in a new £372million healthy living plan.

Ministers said the overweight could be given vouchers to spend on healthy foods such as fresh vegetables and wickets, in participating supermarkets.

However Political heavyweights John Taylor, MP for Nottingham East and Bill Martin, MP for Bellingham , believe the Bill does not go far enough.

Talking from his favourite restaurant in Tenley on the Wold, Martin told our reporter,

"Obesity-related illnesses are costing the NHS an estimated £1 billion every year. This is a huge problem. Why stop at simple cash prizes? Surely the incentives should be proportional to the weight loss.

"A ticket to the Opera perhaps for dropping a few pounds, a season ticket for the Emirates Stadium after the first stone [*], and an all expenses paid trip to Australia when one hits ones target weight. As a nation we really do have to wake up and smell the coffee. The government must think big on this issue or face losing the battle."

Recently divorced alcoholic John Taylor, MP for Nottingham East goes even further. In proposals that will undoubtedly enrage feminist groups throughout Britain, he suggests that only sexual incentives would be enough for many men to lose weight.

"I have spent the last 6 months talking to overweight men up and down the country. I know this is controversial, but most have said that the only time they have ever lost weight in the past was when they believed, correctly in most cases, that they would be offered more sex if they did so. Let's face it, no self respecting women really wants to see a fat arse coming towards them in the bedroom, no matter how large the man's gross income".

Just who would provide these sexual incentives has not yet been established but Taylor points to a similiar scheme run in America where prostitution is legal in several towns and cities.

He continued,

"Without being too graphic, in Nevada, weight loss is rewarded by visits to legalised brothels. One man told me that after losing 10lbs he received a state sponsored 'Charlie Cheeseman' from a Mexican called Manuela. Further, if he was to lose another 16lbs he would be eligible for a longer 'thrash and grab' session with a lady of his choice at the notorious 'Chicken Ranch' in Las Vegas. It is not PC to say this but if you really want men to lose weight this is possibly the way forward"

[*], Chris Wilkins, a spokesman for Arsenal F.C, has said the club would like to distance itself from the proposal of free season tickets for anyone losing a stone in weight. He said that potentially this could still lead to the ground being populated by fans with BMI's of 30 plus. Wilkins added that apart from detracting from the clubs healthy image, he believed that structurally the stadium had not been built to accommodate such a large amount of 'Gut launchers' [his words not ours].

He added,

"The toilet system alone was only designed with the occasional larger gentleman in mind. 60 thousand of them…We are talking an environmental disaster."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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