Written by Gertrude Dobbs
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Friday, 5 October 2001

United Nations President Kofi Annan issued a plea for calm today amid claims that disgraced former Tory MP Neil Hamilton and his wife Christine sexually assaulted the island of Tonganoma during an official government visit in 1993.

"Him come down plane waving naughty bits," said King Tonga Tonganara of Tonganoma, "We think this official welcome and wave our naughty bits back. Him get wrong idea. She got nice bosoms - bouncy bouncy."

Now, with the Hamiltons emerging fresh from a successful defence of sexual arassment charges in the United Kingdom, Tonganoma's 12,000 strong population are poised to begin law proceedings of their own in which they will claim Neil Hamilton fathered three hundred children in a wild, two-day spree of sexual abandon, aided by Mrs Hamilton who stood to the side holding aloft disgusting pictures of Thora Hird.

Meanwhile, at the office of Manchester solicitor Bent, Bent, Up, Down, and Roundandback, Mr Clarence Roundandback was quick to defend the Hamiltons against such allegations.

"There is no truth in this whatsoever," said Mr Roundandback. "My clients are people of the highest honour. They (the Hamiltons) deny these claims vehemently and, given their previous record of honesty and integrity, who amongst us could doubt them?"

But the last word belongs to King Tonga. "Him pay ten pounds each, and we say nothing about Mr Limpy," he warned, wagging his little finger in a disparaging manner. "And pleased to say Mrs Hamilton that the donkey is now fully recovering."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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