Written by Monkey Woods
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Thursday, 13 March 2008

image for Missing Canoeist Goes Missing Again
The Darwins leave court

John Darwin, the canoeist who went missing for 5 years before turning up again at a London police station four months ago, has gone missing again.

Mr Darwin, 57, vanished off the face of the Earth when paddling his craft up the river at Seaton Carew, Hartlepool, in 2002, and was pronounced missing presumed dead. A massive air and sea search proved unsuccessful, which should come as no surprise, as he was, in fact, hiding.

Mr Darwin and his wife, Anne, had planned and executed a massive insurance scam which allowed her to emigrate to Panama, whilst he cowered in the empty house next door to his own. He lived there for five years, scavenging on half-eaten leftovers from neighbours dustbins, until he could stand his own company no longer, and turned himself in to police.

Yesterday, a judge at Leeds Crown Court found Mr Darwin guilty on seven charges of obtaining cash by deception, and committed him for sentencing in July. Mr Darwin left the court with his wife in tears, and the pair were last seen making his way towards the canal that runs through the centre of Leeds, holding paddles.

The Canal begins in West Yorkshire and, at Halifax, becomes the Panama Canal.

Northumbria Police say it's not known whether or not Mr and Mrs Darwin will attend their trials, nor do they care.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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