Written by Vinyljunkie
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Topics: Chavs, Earthquake

Sunday, 2 March 2008

image for Ashington Earthquake Disaster Fund
The Coop Falls Doon

A group has set up a disaster fund following the major earthquake measuring 5.3 on the Richter Scale which hit in the early hours of Wednesday morning at 12:56 a.m. Its epicentre was Ashington, Northumberland.

News of the disaster was swiftly distributed to all the Clubs & Pubs by the towns 35,000 racing pigeons, as victims had been seen coming out of buildings and wandering around aimlessly muttering "What the hell wus that leik? And "Wey ya bugger whats gannin on?"

The Arthquake as it is now known decimated large areas of the Hirst area near the Town Centre causing £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of Franklin Mint and mementos from both Tenerife and the Spanish Costa's were shaken and damaged beyond repair.

One local lad's CD Trance Collection was decimated.

Three areas of historical burnt out cars along with glue sniffers and druggies were disturbed in nearby Woodhorn and sound levels reached an almost never before unbearable peak when an estimated 14,000 Staffordshire Bull Terrier's began barking in synchronicity.

Many locals were woken out of an alcoholic stupor, unusually well before their Giro cheque would normally arrive and Radio Newcastle was soon reporting that hundreds of residents were walking about confused and bewildered when still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had actually happened in Ashington.

Before the severity of the disaster had been understood, a fight had broke out at the nearby Central Clurb after the Fish Man had arrived, this was due to a misunderstanding that there was only one tub of prawns left in the district. The Police were not called, but the offender has now been prudently barred for life by an emergency sitting of the committee.

One resident a 15 year old single mum of three Tracey Sharon Milburn said, "It were such a shock, me little Chardonnay-Keegan came running inta me bedroom bubblin, leik, the lad I'd picked up in the Pub didn't na what was gannin on. The twins, Tyler-Beckham and Megan-Shearer wey tha slept through the whole thing ne botha leik, I wus still trying tu wekem up the next morning when I wus watching Jeremy Kyle, I divven't na which fatha to ring first."

In Hawthorn Road a chimney pot fell through a roof into an bedroom, narrowly missing a collectable bought at Christmas from the Metro Centre, the Fire Brigade rescue workers searching through the rubble discovered large quantities of personal belongings, including Child Benefit Books, Incapacity Claims, CSA Claims, Asbo's, Bogus Credit Cards and Jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos, plus some broken Bone China from Poundstretcher.

Despite the continuing shock, locals were determined not to be bothered as burglaries, muggings, shoplifting, graffiti and car crime carried on as normal.

So far the British Red Cross who were first on the scene, have managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to stricken areas to relieve the suffering of local kids under ten.

However help is still needed with Clothing, Food & Shelter, and people are kindly asked to respond generously to the appeal for the victims of the disaster.

Clothing is needed most of all - especially the following items;

  • Burberry or Fila Baseball Caps.
  • Puffa Jackets
  • Berghaus Jackets
  • Hooded Tops
  • Kappa Trackies
  • Shell Suits (Female)
  • White Sports Socks.
  • Adidas/Nike/Reebok Trainers
  • JD Sports Bags
  • Boss or Lynx Scent
  • Any other item sold at Primark or Matalan.
  • Any Bling you don't need.


Food

Culturally sensitive food parcels are being accepted, even if it's from Blyth. The cause is willing to accept anything from 'Lidl' or 'Netto' simple food basics like stotties, pot noodles, tinned beans, sphagetti hoops, crab sticks, poptarts, pizzas, crisps, diet coke, cans of Carling, Stella Artois and Alco Pops for the kids are especially ideal.

People are being warned, however, that many do have specific dietary needs and are allergic to anything from Marks & Spencer's. And people are being asked to not give anything that needs peeling, or anything that has instructions.

Also urgently required are: Pigeon & Whippet food, new leads for Staffordshire Bull Terriers and counselling for Cats.

Shelter

The fund will be grateful if any Astra/Nova/Escort owners can donate a car to temporarily house the homeless kids and keep them off the street corners and away from the local shops. The cars must have a spoiler, huge exhaust and at least 2000,000 miles on the clock.

People are asked not donate tents for shelter as the sight of such posh housing, which would have to be located at the Woodhorn end of the Town, could cause widespread discontent to the nearby community of Newbiggin who have had to deal with a minor tsunami.

Volunteers

Specific volunteers are required to blend in and help with distribution. If you own any sportswear, or bling, have experience of working at Argos, Poundstretcher or Woolies then the disaster fund can use your services.

Those in particular shortage is anyone who has been expelled/excluded from school or has an Asbo. Older volunteers that can speak pityakki are also desperately needed to communicate the situation to the elderly.

The Disaster Management Team will consider you immediately for volunteer work if you can answer 'yes' to any of the following questions:

  1. Have you ever bought a present from a Petrol Station?
  2. Have you ever worn a Football Shirt whilst not playing sport?
  3. Have you ever erected a Flashing Snowman outside your house?
  4. Do you know any straight men who wear earrings?
  5. Have you ever bought a garden ornament from Focus?

Volunteers are kindly asked not to wear Barbour Jackets or Green Wellys! Anyone with knowledge of how to use a Bidet is asked to report to the disaster coordinator immediately.

Infrastructure

To help repair the damaged infrastructure any donations of untraceable mobile phones with talk time would be accepted but they must have a current Top 20 ring tone and a texting feature which is vital as many of our victims are still in shock.

Your money will be always be used wisely, insists the disaster fund administrators.

  • 12p Buys a Biro for filling in Insurance Claims.
  • £5 Buys a packet of Lambert & Butler and a lighter to help calm a child's nerves.
  • £10 Buys Chips, Crisps and a blue fizzy Alco Pop drink for a family of up to 9.
  • £15 Buys a night out at the Clurb for Granda & Nan.
  • £20 will kit one kid out with fake designer clothing.


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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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