Buckingham Palace - (Ecclesiastical Mess): The Archbishop of Canterbury's days may be numbered following the royal upset that his recent televised refusal to convert to Christianity has caused the Puppet Monarch.
"It's either him or me!" Old Fatty Mountbatten raged today after hearing the news that Dr Rowan Williams won't back down about quaint personal views regarding lapidations, lashings and other exotic forms of tending to heathen flocks.
The schizm between the head of the C of E church and its official cheerleader has sparked worries that the octogenarian crowned head could be heading for a coronary unless Williams is summarily thrown in the Tower, waterboarded into recanting and publicly hung out to dry in Trafalgar Square.
British hystery has seen it all before of course. A previous Archbishop of Canterbury, Thomas A Becket, had a similar spat with his lord and master King Henry II.
The full-time score from that relegation-fears match ended with a resounding one nil victory to the monarch after the recalcitrant archbish got his commeuppance with a multiple stabbing in the back.
Some token public repentance by King Henry - including a Sharia-style public scourging - eventually atoned for the dastardly deed.
"This time it could be the other way round, of course," a Lambeth Palace source said today.
"If there's ever any news of a sudden and totally unexpected dropping dead in the Puppet Monarch department, you'll know just who to blame," the source added enigmatically.