Written by Simon Cockle
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Thursday, 14 February 2008

image for After knives, guns, government plans new "fist amnesty"
A typical fight outside a British pub

After the success of schemes to reduce the number of violent crimes committed using knives and then guns, the government is proposing a new amnesty - this time with fists. Assault, GBH and ABH records show that there has been a year-on-year percentage increase every year in the last decade. The government hopes that, if people are willing to hand in their fists, they can reduce the number of violent offences.

The Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, explained that there was a direct correlation between owning a fist and assault. "If someone goes out drinking with a fist they are 5 times more likely to punch someone," she explained. "We think that if people are willing to surrender their fists, they are less likely to use them and, therefore, crime will be reduced."

As with previous amnesties, large bins will be provided inside police stations and members of the public can simply walk in, deposit their fist and leave without identification or recriminations.

A similar initiative was trialled in South-East Asia with feet, with some success. However, a strategy in Denmark to try to reduce instances of rape was abandoned within days of its inception.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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