Written by Dr A Friend
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Topics: London, intelligence

Wednesday, 7 April 2004

image for UK "dirty bomb" terror plot foiled
Are you prepared for dasanium tetroxide? Or just very pleased to see me, big boy?

London, Englandland - A major terror plot has been foiled, thanks to the combined resources of UK and US intelligence services.

The same crack intelligence teams that provided the detailed, compelling evidence about WMDs in Iraq have pulled off yet another coup in the war on terror.

"MI5 and the CIA have been covertly watching terror suspects employed by the Pisspoor Cola company for several months now", explained Home Secretary, David Blunkett speaking on this morning's Radio 4 Today programme. "They have been selling bottles of a deadly cancer-inducing liquid at extortionate prices on the black market to the highest bidder."

"Dasanitet" as it's called on the street is better known by scientists as dasanium tetroxide. When mixed with conventional explosives, this dangerous chemical forms the basis of a "dirty bomb" that could wreak havoc in public places. Anyone who inadvertently ingested enough of the dasanium tetroxide droplets via their mouth every day over a period of 30 years has a one in a million chance of developing cancer, which may lead to death.

Due to its huge expense and difficulty to aquire in large quantities without attracting suspicion, dasanium tetroxide is the preferred choice of chemical for the terrorist making a "dirty bomb".

Using an alternative like sarin, which is cheap, easily dispersed and kills thousands in seconds is considered "too easy", "poor form, dearie" and "bad for street cred" in the terrorist underclass culture.

An advisor in the White House, Dr Convoluuuted Lies, although looking very fetching in her trade-mark Eva Braun hairstyle and black suspenders, had no comment to make this morning. An aide explained that she was revising for an important oral test and needed time to practise with the lie-detector thingie.

Mr Blunkett, who like the rest of the government knows absolutely sod all about science - or anything else for that matter - praised the work of MI5. "We should all be extremely proud of the marvellous work that our security forces do for us", he added, "and believe me I know. As Home Secretary I get to see everything that goes on behind the scenes".

Mr Blunkett's guide dog is called Sadie.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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