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Topics: Peter Andre

Saturday, 5 January 2008

image for Peter Andre Loses Libel Action
Peter Andre in court

Peter Andre lost his libel action in the High Court yesterday.

Mr Andre had taken out a law suit against the recently published magazine "Chill", a rival to the celebrity gossip magazine Heat, for making what he termed outrageous comments about his hair style.

In an editorial late last year on hairstyles of the rich and famous, the magazine had likened his hairdo to a "Bog Brush" and given it a rating of minus 100.

Mr Andre apparently took exception to these remarks and took out a libel action for defamation of character. He said he was especially offended by the minus 100 rating and thought that this was over the top.

"I spend a lot of money on getting my great hairdo!" whined the petulant Mr Andre before the trial "I like it, Jordan likes it and lots of my fans like it, I am devastated by this and determined to get these editors locked up where they belong!" It was pointed out to him by one of the newshounds that there was no actual jail sentence available in libel cases to which Mr Andre snarled "Well that's just another thing that's wrong with this country!"

Chill magazine decided to "vigorously defend this action" and hired the famous QC Sir Glastonbury Fallstaff who has won 99% of all cases defended in the last ten years, as this numbered only two cases none of the pundits seemed unduly confident in this choice.

Counsel representing Mr Andre called several key witnesses into the courtroom, including Mr Andre's hairdresser Monsieur Fifi Le Boeuf, who pronounced himself "mortally offended" by the remarks and intimated the potential loss of many celebrity clients if the plea was not upheld.

Presiding Judge, the Honorable Justice Granville, ordered the Jury to ignore these remarks as completely irrelevant to the case in hand. "This witness's business is not on trial here and his evidence shall be stricken from the record" he said severely.

This was the only hiccup in an otherwise flawless case for the plaintiff. Andre's wife Jordan was seen sobbing in the witness box and claiming that she had to seek counselling for the trauma caused by Chill magazine to her self esteem.

"Even though I've had more lovers than him, he's always had the best haircut!" she cried "Now people are taunting me and calling me a toilet attendant!"

The case seemed to be going all one way and in spite of an argument by the plaintiff and his wife on the number of lovers they'd each had, there was nothing to disturb the prospect of victory for Andre and a hefty fine for the magazine.

The editors however looked remarkably cool and confident in the dock as the case for the defence was begun.

Sir Glastonbury Fallstaff on opening his case, surprised everyone by calling Mr Andre himself to the stand as a hostile witness. Even the Judge asked him what was to be achieved by this action and was asked to "Please bear with me your Honour, the relevance of this will soon become evident".

In what in hindsight was to be seen as a master stroke, Sir Glastonbury introduced exhibit A, a Toilet Brush, to the court room. Mr Andre stood dumbfounded as the eminent QC requested to clerk of the court to hold this up beside Mr Andre's head for all to see.

Mr Andre vigorously objected to this procedure and asked to stand down to which the judge retorted "You aren't in Australia now Mr Andre and you will allow due process of the law to be carried out without further interruption, or I shall hold you in contempt"

Mr Andre replied in somewhat unwisely that if this was British justice then he found it rather contemptible anyway. Mr Granville swiftly rounded on him "Mr Andre, one more remark like that, and you will find yourself with a custodial sentence"

Peter Andre subsided and sat in sullen silence as the comparison with the toilet brush was carried out, whether or not the judge allowed this to take an inordinately long time deliberately is not known, however, after much and to what seemed to some interminable, consideration, the judge pronounced that he could see no discernible difference between the brush and Mr Andre's hairstyle and immediately ordered the Jury to return a verdict of not guilty. The case was at once dismissed and costs of £400,000 ordered against the plaintiff.

Peter Andre's cries of "It's not fair and just because I said British justice sucked is no reason to take it out on me!" were drowned out by roars and cheers from the gallery, of Chill magazine supporters all waving copies of the magazine.

Andre's wife Jordan immediately removed her blouse and never one to miss a photo call, was seen parading her assets for the waiting cameras.

Jubilant editor of Chill magazine, Jim Beamish, said to crowds of waiting reporters that this was a victory for free speech and common sense.

Mr Andre left the court in high dudgeon, declining to comment but his wife said that he would be firing his hairdresser. She also said that now they wouldn't be able to afford the his and hers swimming pools they planned to construct at the back of their Sussex mansion.

Mr Andre is thought to be writing a song about his experience.

Monsieur Fifi Le Boeuf was not available for comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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