Prime Minister Brown today explained why personal data on 25 million Britons is missing:
"It's because those 25 million Britons are missing. So obviously there's no need for their personal data. The whole notion that this is the result of my government's losing two compact discs is all bollocks. How could those CDs exist in the first place, when the people whose information is stored on them don't either? So let's hear no more of that."
A hastily conducted census confirmed that the population of the UK, formerly listed as 58,789,194, is now 33,789,194. Professor Stephen Hawking calculated that the latter number is exactly 25,000,000 less than the former. And he's supposed to be pretty smart at maths, so I guess that settles it.
Except for the question of where those 25 million people went. Already several competing theories have emerged:
- They were all on the cast of a television reality show which was abruptly cancelled.
- The Germans are at it again. Denied by Chancellor Angela Merkel, who said, "Every time you Limeys have a few million people go missing, you automatically suspect us! Why? Besides THAT, I mean."
- They're all dead. They were only slightly ill, but unfortunately were treated by the National Health Service.
- They all swam to America. Mexican President Felipe Calderon says, "We lost about 15 million people that way. Just thought I'd mention it."
- President George W. Bush surmises, "Not one of those 25 million Britons is mentioned in the Bible. So obviously they never existed in the first place. Same with the evidence for evolution."
- They were abducted by space aliens. [This theory is implausible, since space aliens abduct only the stupidest and least credible humans on Earth.]
- We WARNED you this would happen if gay marriage was legalized!
- Actor/director/anti-Semitic asshole Mel Gibson suggests, "I'm sure all 25 million faked their own deaths and moved to Brooklyn and Miami, just like the Jews did during the Holocaust, which of course never happened."
Whatever happened to them, however, the Prime Minister is unperturbed. Almost suspiciously so. "Whilst the loss of 25 million of our countrymen is a dark cloud upon Britain, let's look for the silver lining. Among those lost are the entire Conservative and Liberal Democrat parties." said Brown, chuckling evilly. So I'm not bloody likely to lose the next election now, am I?"
And even if I do - guess who else is missing? The Queen and all the rest of the Royal family. Thus I'd have nobody to submit my resignation to! Knowing that, I can contain my grief - which is considerable, mind you."