Written by Monkey Woods
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Thursday, 22 November 2007

image for Job Centre Chaos As Thousands Apply For England Manager's Job
Jobseekers storm the building at Leeds Job Centre

Staff at Job Centres across the UK were under siege today as tens of thousands of jobseekers descended on their offices to apply for the England football manager's job.

England lost 3-2 to Croatia at Wembley Stadium last night, finally ending their interest in the Euro 2008 championships, and football supporters throughout the land 'got on their bikes' in a frenzied bid to replace Steve McClaren, the gritty, but inadequate, failed national team boss.

"Thursday mornings aren't usually this busy!", said Jackie Cox of the Jobcentre Plus office in Putney, East London. "It seems as if the whole of London has come down here."

One prospective job hunter, Arsenal fan Albert Griddle, said:

"If Steve McClaren could get the job, there's hope for us all!"

Another, Gladys Bakewell, 67, of Doncaster, whose last job as a cleaner ended more than four years ago when she lost an arm inside her hoover, chuckled as she said:

"They 'ad that silly 'Oddle fella, then that Keegan - the one that cried a lot - then that randy Swedish bloke who knobbed Eureka Johnson. After McClaren's messed it up, I think it's abaht time the' give job t' a woman, dunt thee?"

FA bosses have arranged an emergency meeting this morning to discuss the crisis in English football, and are widely tipped to sack McClaren before lunch, so that they can enjoy a pint and get the advert in the Jobcentre window by this afternoon.

A unnamed source close to the nerve centre of the FA has said that requirements for the job include "a cursory knowledge of football and the ability to stall pressmen when all is obviously lost and the team are dead and buried".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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