Written by Bob Muppet
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Topics: Beer, Students

Sunday, 5 August 2001

image for Nightmare of unlimited free beer for students.
One student settles in for the night

Student leaders were stunned when the brutality of the latest E.E.C. Directive began to sink in!

"UNLIMITED FREE BEER FOR BRITISH STUDENTS"

What had once been the dream of characters like 'Student Grant', that loveable rascal from the cool 'VIZ' magazine was now a reality. However, the joy of unlimited free alcohol soon became a nightmare when students were given 'fixed quotas' to consume or face instant dismissal from their courses. But how had British students been singled out for this harsh treatment when their other Euro-brothers were exempt?

The sad story began when unscrupulous British politicians decided that students must pay their own course fees. Consequently the student population began to work extremely hard (unlike their hippy mums and dads). This resulted in a generation of well qualified, hard- working graduates who went on to get all the top jobs within the E.E.C.

Naturally, the other partners in 'Euro-Land' looked at this sorry state with envy and resolved to correct the situation P.D.Q!

"Zee Eengleesh are so clever" remarked the French minister for culture, "Zay vurk so hard, zay don't even give the rest of Europe a chance! We must devise a cunning scheme to nobble zee Englanders!"

A task-force of dedicated Euro-M.P.s was set up to find a solution to the problem, headed by the selfless Neil Kinnock and his gorgeous wife Glynnis.

Two executive jets were hired to transport the Euro MP's around the member states and despite enduring tremendous hardships, staying in mere five star luxury hotels, only their selfless determination and true grit drove them on to resolve this problem in the unheard of time of a mere two years!

The solution was unbelievably simple! British students could not work effectively if they were constantly inebriated and it was unanimously agreed that this was the way forward.

"But how can we be certain that students are sufficiently incapacitated?" the Welsh wizard, Kinnock asked. There was no obvious means of measuring this condition and so the team deliberated for a further three years before an effective control was found.

A unit of incapacity was devised that took into consideration such factors as age, sex, height, weight, race, and alcohol tolerance. After much deliberation it was agreed that the universal unit was to be named the 'OLLIE' after the much missed actor, Oliver Reed, who devoted his entire life to research into alcohol.

So the next time you see a British student, looking lost and rather confused, you now realise why - he's probably OLLIE'd out of his brains!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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