Written by Mark Lowton
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Sunday, 14 October 2007

image for General Election to be Decided by Wrestling
Wrestling with swords. "Take that Brown, you dirty scot!" "Ah, ya talk shite Cameron. Ya nancy public school boy!"

Whenever the UK's wimp prime minister pulls his finger out and decides he wants to lose an election, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II has decreed that the premiership shall be decided in the wrestling ring.

"There's not enough farking wrestling on telly these days," complained the angry monarch. "It's my bloody country and these bastards are gonna really have to fight for the right to run it. Two of them are bloody scots anyway! I thought they had their own farking parliament. More gin!"

The four main candidates for the position will be pitted head-to-head. Round one, Menzies Cambell will face fellow scot Gordon Brown and David Cameron will face fellow loony Alan "Howling Laud" Hope. The winners of these matches will then battle for the prize of prime minister.

The BBC is said to be "livid" over the new plans.

"We dedicate a whole 16 hours to the general election night, not to mention the endless discussion and updates in our successive news programmes," ranted BBC Director General Cookie 'Or is that Socks' The Cat. "This wrestling crap will be over with in a matter of minutes. How can we fill the void? We don't get millions of pounds every year from the public to make good programming. We have to keep Bruce Forsyth alive. That alone eats about half of our budget!"

If a winner cannot be found amongst the contestants, the monarchy will disband, leaving the country in a limbo state. Anarchists will run rife for a while, before being brought under control by a communist regime that will pull England back on to its feet.

Either that, or everyone will sit down for a nice spot of tea and a biscuit.

It works either way.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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