Paedophiles as young as 16 have been caught having sex with girls only 16 years old it was revealed today on reliable news source 'Cash In The Attic'. This shock revelation comes after recent allegations that a History teacher in Upper Jimshort had 'intimate relations' with a woman who was once only four years old.
Numerous vigilante groups have sprouted up like acne on a victim's face. One such band of nonce-bashers cornered a paedophile in a round room and forced him to have sex with OAPs in the hope of shocking him out of his sweaty-palmed raincoated habit.
Miniaturised chastity belts have been issued to all UK children under 8 feet high. These 'edu-safe' belts depict famous scenes from history such as Nelson Mandela's release back into the wild and the day Germany declared war against a tawny owl. The belts are also designed to release the scent of Malcolm Rifkind's walnut satchel if a potential fiddling is imminent.
Parents of children today expressed their relief in the form of an interpretive dance on the BBC's controversial News at Six Thirty Seven programme. Numerous people telephoned in to comment on the appallingly executed choice of medium the parents took but were apparently pleased that the belts came in sizes large enough to fit their morbidly obese hick-spawn.
'Paedophiles for Justice' who represent victims of being arrested for noncing one off had very little to say to us as we were too old.
Government statistics will be fabricated by Monday. We wait with baited breath.