Written by Dan Holmes
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Topics: Bruce Forsyth

Tuesday, 16 March 2004

image for Morecambe and Wise to head re-vamped BBC Saturday Night TV
Dead men dancing....

Not content with wheeling out Bruce Forsyth and Johnny Vaughan (both of whom are at least alive) in an attempt to brighten up Saturday night television, the BBC has taken the radical step of digging up Morecambe and Wise and propping them up for a special gala ‘Dead Men Walking' programme at Easter.

"We know this is fairly drastic" says Harriet Legless, Fat Controller of BBC One and the worlds ‘number one Morecambe and Wise fan' (she claims), "but really Saturday nights on BBC One have been shite for the last few years and we absolutely had to do something about it. Everyone loves those two wonderful comics, so we looked at the possibilities and - well, it can be done."

The secret is plastics and computer animation. Morecambe and Wise's bodies will be injected with special plasticisers which enable them to be manipulated into lifelike positions by specially trained studio staff who have had their olfactory organs removed. Once the basic positions have been filmed, the CGI guys get to work and render them in the most lifelike ways imaginable. The result? Comedy shows indistinguishable from those made in the 1970's.

"It's going to be a triumph" says Legless. "We've even managed to acquire the remains of Eddie Waring and that newsreader chap. We can do those wonderful old dance routines all over again but this time with corpses. I tell you, this will put BBC One back on the Saturday Night map!"

Given that most of the people who watch BBC One on Saturday nights are themselves dead from the neck up, she might just be right.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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