Rumors abound that the Prince of Wales is cleaning Clarence House after the general balls up surrounding the Memorial for Diana, First Wife of Wails.
The Prince is said to be 'incandescent with rage" over the treatment of Camilla, Duchess of Co-Respondent, in the run up to the celebration. The Duchess took such a shitkicking in the press that she was flung all the way to Mediterranean, where she landed without the Prince and hasn't been heard from since.
"They were really looking forward to enjoying that day together," said a friend.
Next is piqued, sources say, and now set to sack everyone on staff. They will be replaced with 'some really agreeable people who want to leave The Guardian to work for him.'
Other sources fret the Prince has failed to notice he's been charmed by sucking up from staff at a thoroughly republican newspaper.
"We're - I mean they - going to ruin it from the inside out," said one source, adopting the nom de guerre of 'Polly'. "Phase one is accomplished - one of us met the Prince at an organic kilt weaving show and chatted him up about the benefits of reed sewage beds. By the end of the conversation we had an invitation to lunch at Highgrove and the promise of jobs for the lot of us by the time pudding was served."
Once installed the plotters plan to give the Prince not just the bad advice with which he has become the figure he is today, but really stupid advice designed to so inflame the country the conspirators believe the entire monarchy will collapse.
"First," gloated 'Polly', "we're going to get him to stop talking to plants and head on up to that island where Pandora is buried to talk to her. Then we'll leak that she told him he and the new wife should start their own family and adopt a 29-year old homeless from the North. By the time he applies for that ABSO against the whole nation because of how it feels about Camilla, the whole thing ought to come crashing down."
"I admit, our anti-Act of Settlement campaign hasn't exactly been speeding along. But this time I think we've really got it right," said the not-from-the-Guardian source fervently.