Written by Fred Peters
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Monday, 17 September 2007

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Rocket Man to the Rescue

Northern Rock are going to be bailed out - by Elton John! In an eleventh hour last-ditch shock development, the Queen of Pop has agreed to not let the sun go down on the troubled mortgage giant.

In a haughty fit of pique, Sir Elton dismissed the Bank of England's plans. "Bank of England - Wank of England more like", an insider said he said in a gruff voice. Gordon Brown was on the brink of the shock move to let the Bank of England secure punters' dosh but Elton was rumoured to have had a tantrum when he heard about it on Newsround. One source said, "He was so cross, his face went like a smashed up post box. And he made his own cheeks bleed with his nails"

In a statement just after tea and buns, Sir Elton's husband - David Furniture - quipped, "Sir Elton is putting his money where his mouth is."

"Where's that?" we replied.

"I'm not telling you where it was an hour ago but right now it's just under his nose."

"Oh", we said.

The plans mean that all savers can sleep at night - if Northern Rock go down, Elton will give each and every customer 3 and a half quid. "It's no sacrifice", said the bewigged prima donna, as he sipped Pimms and ate a secret health potion, rumoured to be a mixture of gooseberries and Trill.

Which is good news for all the fretting numbskulls who snaked around the block at one branch in Watford, Elton's manor. One worried saver barked, "It's the milk money for our work - if I lose that my colleagues will sigh." When Elton appeared there in the form of a gas to tell them his plan, the four mile long queue made celebratory tweeting sounds to a man.

Elton had grown hostile to the Bank of England after stuffing so many notes up his nose in the 80s.

WANT TO HAVE MORE OF THAT?

  • Why they call it the blues.
  • Who shall we bugger for this?
  • How are Southern Rock doing?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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