Written by Michael Simmonite
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Topics: Britain, Weather

Thursday, 5 July 2001

image for British Weather Boom Smashes Records!
People celebrating the weather boom yesterday

The British weather boom continues. According to a leading meteorological expert we've already had more weather this year than in the last three years put together.

Latest figures show that Cloud Bank Shift is up by a record 4' as are Sunshine Penetration Units. And that's not all. Last winter saw an unprecedented rise in Sleet Downput with Surface Slush Factor soaring by a whopping 72'!

In fact, almost all weather behaviour patterns have increased and in some cases almost doubled. We spoke to weather expert Suzanne Fish.

"Weather is rife just now," she told us. "You name it, we're getting it. And there's more to come, so don't put away your sun cream, umbrellas or snowshoes just yet."

However, Suzanne stressed that the 6.2' extra rainfall that we have been experiencing is, in fact, the wrong kind of rain. "It's not been the sort that fills reservoirs so I'm afraid we must prepare ourselves for the standpipes once again."

So what is causing this current weather surplus? Suzanne explains: "There are several theories. One suggests that a slight gravitational increase means that more weather is being sucked down from the stratosphere.

"Another popular theory is that the hole in the ozone layer has somehow slipped down from the North Pole and is now hovering over a point just north of Grimsby. However, the most likely explanation is the 'Faulty-Barometer-At-The-London-Weather-Centre-Theory. I'm not entirely convinced but, I must admit, we do forget to tap it sometimes."

How long is this spell likely to last? "Weather booms are very unpredictable so make the most of it while you can," Suzanne urged us.

"The last weather recession - back in 1973 - lasted for over three years and we all remember how depressing that was."

Suzanne, who's hobbies include gardening, knitting and drinking, makes another startling claim: "Although wind speed has only been affected slightly, hurricanes are occurring much more
frequently - especially when we are not expecting them.

"Everyone used to be preoccupied with the 'Greenhouse Effect', now the worrying issue is what effect the high winds will have on greenhouses.

"I, for one, am replacing my existing panels with special ones made from toughened glass - before it's too late"

As for the forecast: Suzanne told us that according to her pine cone there was a 150' risk of widespread snow reaching all parts of Britain by lunchtime, but she couldn't pinpoint in which month.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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