In a bizarre twist to the TITS (Tobacco Is The Shit) terror campaign of smoking ban disobedience, a breakaway group, known as the Real TITS, have been placing large apes in public houses and are encouraging them to smoke. Landlords are powerless to stop this and staff in affected pubs have been told not to tackle the apes when they light up.
A spokesman for the breakaway group said, "It came about as a misunderstanding between our secretary and the other TITS. They said that they were undertaking a guerilla campaign, and our secretary thought that was a little extreme, but a jolly good idea. I mean, no-one is going to argue with a silverback smoking a cigar, are they?"
Jimmy Scoggins, landlord of the Pig & Whistle, said, "Well, we opened up as usual yesterday, and this bloke comes in with a silverback on a leash. We thought nothing of it, as they both had a pint of best, but then the silverback lights up a cigar. Stunk the place up proper, that did. Anyway, I said to the staff that he might get a bit naughty if we try to take it off him, so we'll call the police."
A spokesman for West Mercia Police said, "We were called to the Pig & Whistle yesterday, as apparently they had a Gorilla smoking in there. But, as we explained to the Landlord, policing of the smoking ban is up to him, and therefore a private matter."
The local council stated that the landlord will be prosecuted for allowing smoking to take place on the premises.